Sunny Days in DC

Jack of All Trades, Master of 3-ish.

I’m like the Agatha Christie of BDSM, you guys!

Not gonna lie, I totally had to look up how to spell that name. Also, was Agetha Christie someone who solved puzzles? Or did she hunt down criminals? Because I’m not actually hunting down criminals in leather…. although that sounds fun, too.

As you may or may not know, I’m FAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAIRLY comfortable with my sexuality. I feel like a lot of the world’s problems might be solved if the right people had a few more orgasms, or maybe just better ones. It’s like a modified version of the Quaker religious philosophy. Because I like Quakers. And they’re delicious, delicious oatmeal.

I should probably eat dinner before posting.

Anywho, I’m feeding Max when my friend Em calls:

Em: “Soo……. I wanna give my boyfriend a gift for his birthday…”

Me: “Yup, sounds nice. Whatcha thinkin?”

Em: “I was thinking of arranging a night at a swinger’s club.”

Me: “Uhhhhhhhhh……….. mkay.”

Em: “Can you figure out what the best one for me is?”

Me: “WHAT THE?!?!”

Only what I REALLY said was, “Okee dokee!” because I’m an idiot with not enough things to do with the few precious hours she has in the evenings!

So, now I have to go onto FetLife, which REALLY means I have to remember my password and login ID, and I have to drag my ass to the swinger’s group, and ask them, and then I have to have CONVERSATIONS with people (I do that shit ALL. DAY. LONG.) and find a good place for her. Why?

Em: “PLEASE!!!!!!!!!!!! Because when I think of kinky sex stuff, I think of YOUUUUU…”

I am entirely unsure of how to feel about this. Thanks?

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Poly Dismorphic Disorder

Our evening went like this:

Hubs: “So, you’re heading out with Tim tonight?”

Me: “Yeah. His group is doing a class on the Poly lifestyle, and one of the things I want to find out is how they make that work. I mean, your communication skills have to be off the chart, right?! I can barely manage ONE relationship, and some of these people have FIVE!”

Hubs: “Maybe I’ll go with you.”

Me: “Oh jeez.”

Hubs: “Well! You don’t know! Maybe I’ll find another girlfriend there! How would you like that?! Then you can nap while someone else helps with the laundry!”

At this point, my husband thought he was UNBELIEVABLY clever. As thought all your problems could be solved by adding one more person to the mix. I tried to explain that I REALLY doubted that adding more people to a crazy situation actually helped stabilize it, but to no avail. My husband was pretty sure he was gonna start his own suburban harem. So I was all, “Right. We have a sitter, so let’s just go,” because when you have a child, you mostly just want to be out of the house. With or without said child. (Holy crap, I hope he never reads this!)

Let me say this: after having taken the class, I am now pretty darn sure that I could never be polyamorous (in multiple relationships), or even polyfidelous (in multiple COMMITTED relationships). Why? If you have to ask, you have no idea how much energy it takes with the ONE INSANE relationship I already have. Not my hubs, he was off in some crazy world where he had women falling over themselves to accomplish his every whim.

Ladies Man

*That’s right, ladies. These are original Dungeons and Dragons cards! OMG, PUSSY AVALANCHE!! – My husband’s brain*

The class started, and an average looking woman walked up to the front and started talking about what it takes to be in many poly relationships. AND THEN, she started talking about the difference between being Poly, and just being slutty. Surprise surprise, my hubs is a slut. As she was describing the difference I looking over at him and said (not too quietly either), “HEY!! THAT’S YOUUUUUUUUUU!!!” That went over REALLY well with everybody but him. Still, he is kinda slutty, so, you know: the spade is a spade.

The “instructor” talked about how vital communication is, and how many people think they want to be poly so that they can substitute whatever they’re not getting in their current relationship, by adding someone new. Doesn’t work, she says, because if you never confront and deal with problems in any relationship, you can keep meeting people but nothing will last. I thought that was just generally good advice.

“Are you coming next week?” Tim whispers in my ear as my husband sits flabbergasted at all the work he would have to do if he took on a new girlfriend… not to mention the bits of his pieces that he would have to hunt down in the middle of the night once I had cut them off.

“What’s next week?” I ask, keeping my eyes on the speaker who has somehow wandered into a conversation about talking monkeys and while I don’t know how that happened, I am enjoying it. Because TALKING MONKEYS.

“The board meeting. Politics. We’re going to outline the curriculum for the year, and discuss speakers and lesson plans.”

*Sigh.*

“Tim. When does your pervy group ever do anything, you know… PERVY?!”

“This is mostly an educational group.”

Figures I would fall in with the book-reading pervs.

The class ends and little chunks of people get up; 3 here, 4 there, and everyone starts saying goodnight. I look at the hubby, and he looks back at me.

“Not what you thought it would be, huh?”

“Not even close, babe.”

“No girlfriend for you?”

“The CLASS was exhausting enough!”

Poly Dismorphic Disorder: Thinking you can go poly until you find out what it is and realize, no, you’re just slutty.

2 Comments »

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