Sunny Days in DC

Jack of All Trades, Master of 3-ish.

In which I blog by eating hotdogs and sitting on the floor…

So, I continue to beat on death’s door. However, I have committed to this blogging business, so I will persevere! Because I am brave. And noble.

And shockingly humble.

Anyway, in preparation for Passover, when Jews commemorate the Exodus by cleaning our house out of bread because something-something-something-Jesus-hates-carbs, my husband and I are eating all the bread in our entire house… the combinations can get weird. Tonight was just hotdogs though, cuz we had leftover buns. Ha ha ha…. buns. I’M HERE ALL WEEK, FOLKS! So, I’m sitting on the floor of my living room, eating a hotdog (I didn’t  have the bun, which, in retrospect… WTF Hannah?), and I realized what a super shitty geek I am.

Maybe someone else can relate: I LOVE Star Trek. I mean, LOVE. Like, did you know Patrick Stewart is engaged (“ENGAGE!” ha ha ha…) to a 35 year old woman? He’s 75. Guess what? I’d tap that shit, too. GET SOME GERIATRIC STAR TREKKING ASS, GIRL! I get it. And I LOVED the Sci Fi station the DAY it came on my basic cable box. I hearted that shit so. hard. And this morning, I turned to my coworker and was all, “DO YOU WATCH GAME OF THRONES?! BECAUSE IT’S COMING BACK, AND I NEED SOMEONE TO GEEK OUT WITH!” and he looked at me like I had started frothing at the mouth (nope! not this time!), and backed slowly away.

But, and I can’t emphasize this enough: I hate Dr. Who. OMG BEFORE YOU START SCREAMING!!! Look, I know, ok? I know. Dr. Who is amazing and wonderful and blah blah blah…. but I just can’t get into it. So, I’m putting it out there: are there Super Fans on here who know which episode I need to watch in order to become instantly addicted? Because there’s something about Daleks wanting to exterminate, and then there’s some gay cowboy who has his own spinoff who just sorta fucks EVERYTHING because penis.

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*And what’s with the scarf? Is he perpetually cold? Is it a fashion statement? You’re making me feel under dressed!*

But, maybe one day, you can learn to love me for who I am, and you can watch Dr. Who, and just tell me how awesome it is while we sit in my living room watching GoT together, and eating carbs all night.

34 Comments »

Fucking Blog Herpes

I was going to write a post about the time I had to be physically removed from the local animal shelter, because I flung my body onto a pile of cats, but then one of my favorite bloggers nominated me for The Liebster award, which, because it does not come with a cash prize, means nothing to me.

Legit. I tried to call American Express and tell them I won this award, so they should stop having bill collectors call me, and they pimp-slapped me through the phone and told me to stop crying, and bring them their cash-money. GANGSTAH!

Anyway, now I have blog-herpes, and so I must pass it along. Here we go; shit just got real:

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The Liebster Blog Award.

The rules for the Liebster Award are very simple: You are required to thank the person who nominated you, answer the 11 question they have asked you, nominate 11 other people and ask them 11 questions in return. According to the guidelines the Liebster award should be sent to bloggers with less than 200 followers so that new bloggers can see how awesome they are!

So thank you, Project Soutsea. Despite giving me a writing assignment tonight, I will continue to read your blog and laugh at your drunken stories, because you make the funnies.

My 11 Answers:

1. What made you start blogging?: My friend who had a hook up for a potential writing gig, but I had no online materials, so she told me to blog. I still don’t have the gig, but this is cathartic for me, and much more legal than drinking heavily at my desk.

2. Honestly, how many other blogs do you read regularly?: Good question… regularly? Probably about 15. If someone comments on my blog, I make every effort to reciprocate, because it means so much to me.

3. Presently, what do you do for a living?: I’m a Project Manager. I know… SUPER exciting.

4. What is your dream career?: Ugh, it sounds so cliche, but yeah…. like everyone else up here, I’d love to be paid to be a writer.

5. If you could have dinner with any 3 people, living or dead, who would you choose?: My grandfather Max, who lived in Paris and traveled the world. Stephen King, because he should know that he once wrote this scene in a book that was so gruesome, I actually passed out in the NYC subway. And my step-father; I’d tell him we miss him, and even though I love him, I resent him for dying so early. Then I would show him pictures of my son for the rest of dinner.

6. When was the last time you tried something new, and what did you do?: So… does having a baby count? Because, 8 months ago. But before that, I don’t know… the hubs and I went to South America, and went swimming with dolphins. I was all fat and pregnant. It wasn’t pretty, honestly…

7. What is your favourite film of all time?: Seriously? Seriously. Look, I realize you’re British, but you misspelled “favorite.” I mean, it’s cool, cuz we’re friends and all… anyway, it’s a three-way tie: Star Wars, Shrek, and Serenity. Star Wars is AMAZING, but hella long. Shrek is HILARIOUS, and Serenity answered SOME of my questions left from Firefly, but not all.

8. You can punch one celebrity in face without reprisal. Who would it be?: They’re not really worth my time. There’s that 16 year old girl who married that old dude, and now she’s constantly half naked in photos or something… I’d beat the shit out of her parents, because WTF?! SERIOUSLY?! She’s SIXTEEN, guys! Whatever. Enjoy eternity in hell.

9. If you could go 10 years into the future and ask yourself one question only, what would it be?: Are you gonna eat that?

10. How much money would it take for you to kill a puppy with a sledgehammer?: First of all, I fucking LOVE that you asked a question like this. You’re insane. Secondly, and I’m being completely honest, I don’t think I could. MAYBE if our financial situation were so bad that we couldn’t afford food for our son…. but as it is, I would be a wreck. You’d know that if you had LET ME WRITE MY POST ABOUT KITTIES!!!

11. What is your favourite swear word?: You misspelled “favorite” again!! And this is tough… There’s “Jesus-titty fucking-Christ,” or “Holy cunting G-dfuck.” Because that last one turns cunt into a verb. Also, I hate the word cunt… I don’t know why.

Done? Are we done? Ugh, thank G-D!! Ok, here are my nominations:

It’s Ames – she’s where I go to feel normal and well balanced… and to talk about mutual stalking on FB.

Words for Worms – this is a bit of a cop out, because she’s BRILLIANT and hilarious and amazing, and the whole point of this is to find other bloggers with fewer than 200 followers, and she has 196…. SO SHE STILL COUNTS!! She’s awesome. Read her shizz.

Hoodwinked is raw, and sweet, and funny. Sometimes I laugh, and sometimes I almost get into car accidents, because I’m trying to read a post on my phone while sitting in my car at a stop light. Stop writing good stuff, and I’ll stop endangering other motorists in the DMV area!

errinspelling writes haikus, but I swear they’re funny as shit! I like to read them aloud to my cats… they pretend they don’t appreciate it, but I know they’re just lying assholes.

A Prayer Like Gravity – some people are so talented it makes you want to slap them, and then rub up against their leg like a cat and be their friend. This blog is one of them. In particular, I STRONGLY recommend you read Bone Soup, Standing, and Bone Dance. They’re dark, soft, and stirring. You know, if you like good writing, or whatever. 

Blowing off Steam – do you cook? Me neither. Let’s all stare in wonder at people who know what the shit a crockpot does.

Shenrydafrankmann is funny, wistful, rude, and reserved. All at once, or maybe none of those at all. But I’m pretty sure he knows where I live, so read his blog, or he’ll post pictures of me eating ice-cream.

HOW does My Gay Mom not have more than 200 followers?! WHY ARE YOU NOT READING THIS HILARIOUSNESS?! You’re doing life wrong right now. Go read. I’ll wait.

Done? Ok. Let’s keep going. I don’t have all night for this shit.

Punky found me via The Bloggess. It may be mutual stalking, which I think is technically legal. Whatever… I’m like the ONE Jew who has no lawyer friends, so I can’t be entirely sure.

I have no idea what sort of silly fuckery is going on here, but suffice it to say: it’s a woman and her cow.

Read the trials and tribulations of a woman who gets married, has a family, realizes her partner is abusive, leaves said partner, has at least one awesome son who gets dressed up in a dress to make people laugh, and drinks lots of tea. The mom, not the son. Though, maybe he does, too? I’m not sure. Maybe if enough people follow her, she can take pix of her son drinking tea, if you’re into that. Anyway, she’s here.

And because I’m an asshole, more awesome people are here, and here.

 

But here is your bonus: I used to be on Tumblr…. I guess because I thought I was a 17 year old fitness blogger or something? I don’t know. I had just had a human cut from my loins. Anyway, I stumbled (TUMBLD?! Bah ha ha ha…. ok, sorry), across one of the most amazing writers I have ever seen. She’s working on getting published. She wrote a TINY piece that stuck in my brain, and will probably live there until I die. I’m not doing it justice, but it went something like:

“She was a Cancer, who didn’t know she didn’t have to be fatal.” – OMFG SOME PEOPLE ARE SO TALENTED I WANT TO SLAP THEM, THEN LOCK THEM IN MY BASEMENT AND MAKE THEM BE MY FRIEND. She’s here. Trust me, you need this.

OK! Now MY fun!!!

 

My 11 Questions:

1. What made you start blogging?:

2. You have one month, unlimited funds, and zero repercussions; what do you do?:

3. What is your Spirit Animal? (Hint: does not have to be a REAL animal. Second Hint: Cannot be me):

4. Remember that one thing you did that you hoped nobody would ever find out about? Go ahead and tell that story now, mkay?:

5. If you could have dinner with any 3 people, living or dead, who would you choose?:

6. When was the last time you tried something new, and what did you do?:

7. What is your favorite film of all time?:

8. Favorite book(s) of all time?:

9. If you could go 10 years into the past and tell yourself one thing, what would it be?:

10. I’m thinking of taking a vacation; where should I go?:

11. Best reason you called in sick to work, when you weren’t actually sick at all?:

 

Congrats to the nominees! I may or may not inform you you were nominated, because I am very sleepy, and I have already done a lot of work on this post. Meh, I’ll probably do it tomorrow.

43 Comments »

Jew, Too??

I used to have another blog, several years ago, and I had a tab on it called, “Ask A Jew,” because, let’s face it: at 1/2 of 1% of the world’s population, odds are high that MOST people will never meet a Jew.

And of those who MAY, I shudder to think that they’ll end up meeting some dickhole.

But on my previous post, I was asked why I still adhere to a religion that had a hand in ruining the marriage of my parents. And it’s a legit question. Why continue to participate in something that clearly negatively impacted my life? Or, religion at ALL, for that matter. After all, I’m a reasonable human being. I believe the theory of Evolution is probably as close as we can get right now to “truth,” but of course, it’s just a theory. Maybe another scientist will come along with something better; I’m open to it. And I believe in Black Holes, and physics, and I believe that Philosophy is worth learning, and that the person who reads lives a thousand lives before they die, while the person who does not read lives only one. 

I think I’m a fairly reasonable person. 

And I know there is NO factual basis for G-D. And I know that the G-D of the”Old Testament” (let’s be honest here) is a bit of an asshole. 

Yes. I just said He was an asshole. 

So… why be Jewish? Why engage in a faith that clings desperately to traditions, so frequently maligns women, and shrouds itself from outsiders?

And my answer to that question is…. Because I don’t think I believe the way other people do.

First (for anyone who hasn’t yawned themselves to death and passed out while trying to read this): I don’t believe the state of ANY religion is the fault of its deity. I think people are assholes, and generally will use whatever tool they have to continue their assholishness. Assholocity? Conjugate as you will. Religion is an easy tool, because it’s so ingrained in the lives of many people. But Judaism has some pretty fuckin cool shit. For example: You cannot take the eggs of a bird, if the mother bird can see you. You have to chase away the mother bird, and THEN you can take the eggs. Why? Because you have to consider how hard it is for her to lose her babies. She sees you take her children, and as a mom myself, I can’t fathom what that must be like.

EMPATHY. Not bad!

If you have pets, you MUST feed them before you eat, because they can’t provide for themselves. Your action of keeping them means that they are not in their natural environment, so they depend on you. Therefore, you have a responsibility to them.

Can you dig it? I can.

Now, none of that deals with the fact that, yes, in Brooklyn, 17 year old girls get married and have, like, 15 kids or some crazy shit. And guess what? We have child molesters, too. And in some synagogues, and I cannot go to these because I fucking lose my shit and start scenes, they make women sit behind curtains, or in another room, lest we tempt the men with our sexy, sexy double-x-chromosome-having-selves.

That. Is. Bullshit.

One time, I was six or seven,  my parents had a fight, and my dad grabbed me and ran out of the house. His Rabbi let my father take me to his house, and spend the night. The Rabbi SHOULD have counseled my father to take me back home, and work through the issue with my mother. He didn’t. You don’t let a parent run out of the house with the child, and terrify the other parent for HOURS.

But…. is that the fault of the religion?

Is Catholicism to blame for the Inquisition, or for child molesters?

I’ve been to Mass. I like Christmas (shhh… don’t tell the other Jews!), and you know what? No. It isn’t.

Those megachurches probably spend enough money, just on electricity, to provide hot meals to poor school kids in their district for a week. Is that the fault of Jesus? I don’t think so. Is G-D to blame because my father’s Rabbi was an idiot? No.

In my hubris, I would hold G-D accountable for a lot of things… but not the dickishness of people. I think I could do without a lot of the pain and suffering that goes on in the world… but I don’t blame G-D for that.

I think the greatest tragedy of humanity is that, for the first time in possibly the history of forever, we live in an era where all the global issues could be resolved; we finally have those tools… but we as a race choose not to use them. We could end hunger in Africa, but then what would the War Lords do for fun? The Muslims and Jews in Israel could live in peace, but then how would the arms dealers and local sheiks make bank?

I don’t blame G-D or religion for any of this. My religion teaches me that there is no Heaven or Hell; there is only what we create in this world, what we leave behind, and how we make others feel.

 

My hell is what I do to myself; my heaven is (I hope!) how my children remember me.

37 Comments »

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