Sunny Days in DC

Jack of All Trades, Master of 3-ish.

I’m Cheating…

on April 7, 2013

If you’ve read my blog, you know I love ice cream. If you haven‘t read my blog, you totally should. This shit’s hilarious. Moving on…

I love ice cream. Also pizza, and sometimes chocolate almond milk, but now we’re getting a little personal, and I like to get to know you before we’re sharing cups of chocolate almond milk in our IKEA bedroom set. ANYway, last week was Passover, and so our poor kitchen is still recovering from the cleansing of wheat and delicious bread-y products. As such, Chocolate Brownie Ice Cream was purged from our home, because Jews and suffering and something else that means that I can’t enjoy my life. But now all of that is over and we’re out of Egypt or something, so I get my motherfucking ice cream again.

HUZZAH!!

Except, when Passover ended and the final matzah was eaten, in my doorway stood a box from Brooklyn. It had arrived early, and so neither my husband nor I had opened it. We knew what was inside. It sung to us in the night like a siren, begging us to open it up and inspect the contents…. which, I don’t think Sirens actually did. I don’t think they were all about the exploratory surgery, but pretend that metaphor made sense, because I’m a little tired right now and totally half assing this post.

When Passover ended, we celebrated the return of gluten to our lives, not with ice cream, as we had initially thought, but with this tasty business right here:

Image

*This is not a picture of my table… but it totally could be.*

THAT’S RIGHT!! IT’S GIRL SCOUT COOKIE SEASON!!!

I used to be a girl scout, so these cookies hold a very special place in my heart. Also, interesting story, that shit makes you fat as hell. I learned that one year, when my dad decided that the “competition” to see who could sell the most boxes was really a personal attack on his honor, and as such had to be met with strategic planning and a balls-to-the-wall attitude. My dad bought a folding table, and set me up right outside of our subway stop one hour before rush hour in the mornings and in the evenings. Do you know how many people will buy cookies from a little girl, especially when they’re hungry as hell because they haven’t eaten breakfast? People make a lot of bad choices early in the morning, y’all. Not the least of which was buying from ME.

I don’t know how many boxes I sold. It was a SERIOUS number though.

But just like that one time you took a piece of strange home from the bar, and didn’t realize what you had done until morning, I ended up with a lot of people who never actually picked up their boxes. I guess they forgot that in the wee hours of the morning, two months ago, they had purchased four boxes of Thin Mints from some small Jewish child in green…. like a magical leprechaun of deliciousness.

Guess where that leaves a young girl with almost zero will power and a legit sweet tooth…

Image

*I will fucking CAGE-MATCH fight you for that Tagalong, bitch!*

When I tell you that we had boxes lining the wall in my living room…. it was a sight. How I managed to NOT develop diabetes is still beyond me.

And so, it is with no small amount of nostalgia that I recall those halcyon days of refined sugar and peanut butter-topped awesome, via consuming the ever loving SHIT outta two boxes of tagalongs and a sleeve of thin mints. The saddest thing about Girl Scout Cookie Season, is that it doesn’t last long enough.

……………………I need to start ordering enough to get me through the summer!!

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17 responses to “I’m Cheating…

  1. With you 100% The stuff is glorious crap. – John

  2. Dianne Wing says:

    Here’s a bit of information that will make you weep – the Girl Scouts DESTROY all unsold boxes of cookies each year when they could at least donate them to shelters or schools! What waste!

    • H. Stern says:

      Ok, that really makes me mad. Several years back, there was a BIG uproar in the Jewish community, because the women who wear wigs discovered that the wigs were (supposedly) made of Indian hair, which those women had cut off as a part of some ritual. That’s a big no-no in the Jewish faith, so all these women had to get rid of their wigs. Did they donate them to women (and even men) with cancer? Did they sell them and donate the money to charity, thereby turning a negative into a positive?

      Nope! Burned ’em. As someone who has watched close loved ones battle cancer, and simply as a human being, oh man… I was pissed.

      But also….. COOKIES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! OMG!! I WILL BUY YOUR LEFTOVER COOKIES!!! Damn them…. damn them all….

  3. When I was a wee girl I was in a generic Girls Scout group called ‘Indian Princesses’ through the YMCA. Pretty sure it was really un-PC. We sold candy bars and that is my earliest binge eating memory ever. (I hid the empty wrappers under my bed. My parents thought they were so clever hiding the bars on top of the refrigerator. Hello, I only had to climb on top of a couple of cabinets to get to them.)

  4. The short little guy who sat behind me at work for ten years who has nothing in his life except to remember tiny stories about me still tells everyone this time of year about the time I received delivery of a box of Tagalongs and ate the whole box in ten minutes. So what. Those things are freaking goooooood.

    And you looked so sweet dipping them in your ice cream last night…..

  5. Believe it or not I was a girl scout too! I know, I know you didn’t realize girl scouts have been around that long since I’ve been around since dinosaurs roamed free but they have.
    Anywho ….my Mom worked in a hospital ..night shift…where the only food available came from a vending machine so those women gobbled up box after box! Back then we didn’t take orders we picked them up and paid before we took more so the boxes were available immediately! My poor Mom spent as many hours selling girl scout cookies each night as she did taking care of patients.
    I remember the year I sold the most and I got this journal to keep my thoughts in and my Mom just looked! I’m sure her thought was “That’s it!” but she never said a word. I still have that damn thing and the pages are hilarious! Who knew young girls thought about some of the silliest things! LOL
    With all my girl scout memories I can’t turn down a girl scout! That leaves me with being a sucker for each and every cookie booth and every girl who knocks on my door. This year this gang pulverized about 30 boxes! I’d throw the box in the middle of the floor and let them fight for it….we need entertainment somehow in this house! Needless to say the small one won every time cause she’d wiggle out from under the pile up while the others fought on not realizing she had wiggled out with the prize 🙂
    Enjoy those cookies…they bring back happy memories 🙂

    • H. Stern says:

      LOL!! Now you’re making me wonder if MY mom ever sold cookies. I should call her up and ask. Knowing her, she probably owns stock in the company that MAKES the cookies!

  6. ROFL! I’ve often thought I might “do things” for a box of Thin Mints.

  7. ekgo says:

    I haven’t actually read this post yet. I just wanted to say that it’s going to take me a lot longer to backstalk you than you me because every time I think I’m catching up, I notice there are, like, three new posts. Aren’t new moms supposed to be tired all the time and crap? What are you doing? Meth? You’re doing meth and it gives you extra energy to post a lot of stuff?
    Of course, by the time I do catch up, I’ll be very happy that you post a lot…though by that point, you’ll probably have burnt out and will need a break and will start posting once a month.
    Dammit.

    • H. Stern says:

      I’m trying to get into the habit of writing. I hear it’s like exercising, which, interesting story, I don’t do.

      But anyway, the nice thing about a blog is that it’s all the things in my head that I don’t say out loud, so it’s cathartic for me. Because I’m poor and therapy is expensive. If you met me in real life, though, you wouldn’t know that I think half this stuff. I enjoy the irony of pencil skirts and a dirty mind.

      And I am fueled by ice cream. And yes, a little bit of meth. And maybe also by the laughter of children.

      ….just kidding. It’s totally meth.

      • ekgo says:

        Ok, meth and GS cookie head – I now have read this post because I am making an concerted effort to catch up while I’m housesitting and have internet access.
        And here is what I want to say about Girl Scout cookies:
        I made up rule a few years ago when all the parents/grandparents started bringing the order forms to work with a little note from the kid and maybe a picture. The rule was based on my own short experience as a Bluebird and hoofing it door-to-door in the rain and snow and sleet and shine like a postal worker and selling the hell out of almond roca. It goes like this: If you are selling Girl Scout cookies and you send your order form in to your parents’ place of work but do not come in yourself? You can go to hell. If you DO come in, you had better come to my damned desk and make your schpiel if you want me to give you my money. Otherwise, you can go to hell. If you try to hawk your wares at me from behind a table at the grocery store? Hell for you. But if you come to my front door and sing the song and do the dance, I will rain money I don’t even have down upon your precious little head and I will make damned sure you win whatever it is you win for selling the most boxes of cookies because you have determination and dedication and I applaud you.
        I haven’t had a box of Girl Scout cookies for three years now.

  8. Oh, I just love me some thin mints, Hannah. Luckily, I’m the only one in my house who likes them!! And, that can be dangerous too. Enjoy that ice cream now. Now I want some too.

    • H. Stern says:

      I know! My husband used to be the only one in our house who liked Thin Mints…. sadly (for him) I developed a taste. OM NOM NOM NOM NOM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

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