Sunny Days in DC

Jack of All Trades, Master of 3-ish.

I Will Devour Your Soul…. and make you clean it out of my diaper.

on March 8, 2013

Max is teething. Hmmm… how do I explain what this is like to people who may not have children. Well, a baby, delightful, full of joy, is supposed to look like this:


My Max looks more like this:


*I will haunt your motherfucking DREAMS*

We, geniuses that my husband and I are, figured this out yesterday after Max spent an entire day screaming, sleeping, and then his fever spiked to 102. He wouldn’t eat, and as much as he wanted to play, all he could manage to do was nurse in between fitful bouts of sleeping in my arms.

It was really sad. My poor angel!

…and then, nighttime came.

On Thursday mornings, I have an 8:30am meeting, because the US government fucking HATES it when I sleep. So, naturally, last night Max was up until 3:30am SCREAMING. My husband tried to be the loving father and helpful husband, and took Max downstairs to soothe him, while I tried to get some rest.

I’ll give you a minute to ponder exactly how well that went.

And the WORST part is that you can’t even BITCH about it (that’s right… this isn’t even CLOSE to me in full-on bitch-mode!), because he’s SUFFERING…

Let me tell you a little something about suffering, ok? Sleep deprivation is a form of TORTURE; teething is NOT. Mama’s not cute when she’s a hot mess, all tired and can’t even fucking BLOG properly. And what kind of fucking evolution comes up with the idea of, “oh! I know! JUST as the baby starts sleeping through the night, JAGGED PIECES OF BONE WILL COME *BURSTING* THROUGH HIS GUMS! Yeah…. I’m so awesome right now…”

I hate you, evolution. Go fuck yourself.

So, he’s asleep now. I want to do some writing, I want to read other peoples’ blogs, and I want to eat the entire box of oreos my husband brought home as our “emergency supplies” prior to the Snow-Storm-We-Didn’t-Get.

………………………and in the middle of my meeting, I realized my sweater was on backwards.

Whatever. At least I had my pants on. 

29 responses to “I Will Devour Your Soul…. and make you clean it out of my diaper.

  1. talimullins says:

    Ugh. Poor baby, mama, and daddy. Teething sucks. Ours is about a month behind yours. We’ve got the fat happy drooly boy currently. I’m dreading the screaming monster child.

    Have you tried Orajel teething gels? They worked great for my oldest. Of course he bit the shit out of my fingers when I applied it (use a q-tip) but after a bit, the screaming stopped.

    • H. Stern says:

      Right, so everyone I spoke to said, “Don’t give orajel, because they can lose feeling in their tongue AND CHEW IT OFF!” and I’m completely insane and was like, “OMFG!!!!!!!!!!!!!” So, he has some baby tylenol, which we try not to give him, but if he’s in pain, we do it.

      Legit, I feel badly for him. This sucks. But you know what? It’s been almost a year of little to no sleep. At this point, I am ready to punch nature in fucking face. It should go, Nurse for a year, then one morning: TEETH-MUTHAFUKKAH! And then everyone sits down to burgers and beer. Oh, and Girl Scout cookies… because it’s that time of year.

      • talimullins says:

        Great. Now I’m worried Eli will gnaw his tongue off. Thanks for that. However, the losing feeling part as long as it’s restricted to their gums. We didn’t use it ALL the time (I’m a daughter of two medical doctors who hates medicine of pretty much any kind) just when it was unbearable.

        Eventually, the sleeping should return. He’ll likely be that teenager who sleeps for 18 hours a day.

  2. I remember the croup. Sit on the porch in eighteen below temperature and hope you will see the dawn. The nice part is the little ones do not have the memories……wait until they have their own heh, heh, heh -John

    • H. Stern says:

      That completely sums up my experiences during the first 3 months. I would sit there, nurse Max, put him down, he’d scream and wake up, so I’d pick him up, nurse him, put him down, scream, pick, nurse, put, scream…. Some days, I lived hour by hour, or minute by minute.

      …and G-D willing, when he has his children, I would go through it all again to help him out… or I will be fabulously wealthy, and HIRE someone to help us out.

      Cuz this is some bullshit.


  3. Ki Vault says:

    As a grandparent I can tell you with some certainty it’s only like this for the first 18yrs . That would be the first 18yrs of each childs life so 3 kids spread over 6 years makes it a round 25 yrs or so then you get a bit of peace and your teeth fall out!

  4. Dude. This sucks. Evolution is a bitch!

  5. Want to know what my wife told me when I got up in the middle of the night with our first baby? Actually, no you don’t want me to tell you. You really don’t. Don’t force me to tell you.

    • H. Stern says:

      She said, “Never AGAIN!!!” and that’s why you only have one child? Because that’s what I say in my head every night…

      • That was after the second child. And it’s understandable why you say “Never AGAIN!!!”. I really feel for the women at work who have babies at home. It’s TOUGH.

        My wife said “Just go back to bed. There is no sense in two of us being up. You have to be up early for work.”. And I went back to bed, never AGAIN expected to be up with a crying baby.

        It was the last time I have gotten lucky with that woman.

        • H. Stern says:

          Well that last bit I don’t believe. And everyone tells me I won’t remember this. I call those people LIARS.

          • That’s because they are liars. I’m not. I would never ever in a million years tell you even a tiny fib. Trust me. Worship my pristine character.

            • H. Stern says:

              And I do! You go to church, right? Everyone knows that church goers don’t lie! Not a one!!

              • I do go to church. I even believe in God and kind of act like someone who does, which is what one might expect from someone who goes to church and believes in God. That said, I have sat next to some of the best liars ever at church, listened to a few preach too. And I may, just maybe, have told a few fibs (a minute) myself.

                Good thing Jesus didn’t say “come to me, those who a perfect and without sin, and I will give you rest”.

  6. Aah, I remember it like it was seven years ago…
    Thanks Hannah — my next Phriday Phaiga is for you!

  7. Sofia Leo says:

    I feel your sleep-deprived pain. Sorry to say you will likely forget this little evolutionary glitch in a couple of months, only to remember it when Kid #2 starts teething. THAT’S evolutions real bitchy self 🙂

    I gave baby H a wooden spoon to gnaw on. The next day he stole the dog’s stick. My mom was horrified, as you can imagine.

    • H. Stern says:

      If a doggy stick would do it, I would spend $1000 at Petco. People keep telling me that you’re so over protective with your first. I mean… I talk about duct taping him to a wall. If he ever finds this blog when he’s older, I’m SUPER screwed.

      On the other hand, it’s hard to forget how much teething sucks if you’ve blogged about it!

  8. […] This one’s for Hannah…. […]

  9. … excellent: ‘At least I had my pants on.’

    just in case you haven’t quite had your fill of this growth-experience, have a look at this, also posted today …

  10. my gay mom says:

    For a moment, I thought, “Yeah, babies should pop out with teeth,” but then I quickly pictured all the horrible things that could happen if a baby could chew in the womb. That kind of torture might trump everything.

    • H. Stern says:

      Dude, some babies DO pop out with teeth. Yeah, sleep tight tonight!!

      I just don’t understand why it has to be so painful for them! And me. Ok mostly me.

      • my gay mom says:

        Great, now I’m going to be up with you all night.
        As far as the pain, I don’t know. Being a baby sucks enough without teething. You can’t move much, can’t wipe your ass, or make a snack. That’s why I have no desire to get old.

  11. Ahhhh! I read the comment about baby orajel. I hope I don’t spend the rest of my night googling pictures of babies with chewed off tongues.
    Hope your little guy gets some relief soon, and hope that you get some good sleep!
    (Also, mmmm. Girl Scout cookies).

  12. ekgo says:

    The baby orajel thing is only true if you use a firehose to apply it to their entire faces. A little on the gums once or twice a day isn’t going to result in chewed-off tongues. I only say that because I used to work at a daycare center and no one died of tongue chewing during the teething months.
    Much better advince: When we (some of the sibs and cousins) were that age, our grandfather rubbed whiskey into our gums. The neat thing about that was not only did it numb the pain but it put us to sleep, too. Win Win!
    I still like whiskey.
    But if you go that route, you’ll also have to teach Max how to smoke a cigar when he turns teenager because my grandfather did that with us, too, so I think it’s all part of the same ritual.

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