Sunny Days in DC

Jack of All Trades, Master of 3-ish.

Fucking Blog Herpes

on March 1, 2013

I was going to write a post about the time I had to be physically removed from the local animal shelter, because I flung my body onto a pile of cats, but then one of my favorite bloggers nominated me for The Liebster award, which, because it does not come with a cash prize, means nothing to me.

Legit. I tried to call American Express and tell them I won this award, so they should stop having bill collectors call me, and they pimp-slapped me through the phone and told me to stop crying, and bring them their cash-money. GANGSTAH!

Anyway, now I have blog-herpes, and so I must pass it along. Here we go; shit just got real:

Image

The Liebster Blog Award.

The rules for the Liebster Award are very simple: You are required to thank the person who nominated you, answer the 11 question they have asked you, nominate 11 other people and ask them 11 questions in return. According to the guidelines the Liebster award should be sent to bloggers with less than 200 followers so that new bloggers can see how awesome they are!

So thank you, Project Soutsea. Despite giving me a writing assignment tonight, I will continue to read your blog and laugh at your drunken stories, because you make the funnies.

My 11 Answers:

1. What made you start blogging?: My friend who had a hook up for a potential writing gig, but I had no online materials, so she told me to blog. I still don’t have the gig, but this is cathartic for me, and much more legal than drinking heavily at my desk.

2. Honestly, how many other blogs do you read regularly?: Good question… regularly? Probably about 15. If someone comments on my blog, I make every effort to reciprocate, because it means so much to me.

3. Presently, what do you do for a living?: I’m a Project Manager. I know… SUPER exciting.

4. What is your dream career?: Ugh, it sounds so cliche, but yeah…. like everyone else up here, I’d love to be paid to be a writer.

5. If you could have dinner with any 3 people, living or dead, who would you choose?: My grandfather Max, who lived in Paris and traveled the world. Stephen King, because he should know that he once wrote this scene in a book that was so gruesome, I actually passed out in the NYC subway. And my step-father; I’d tell him we miss him, and even though I love him, I resent him for dying so early. Then I would show him pictures of my son for the rest of dinner.

6. When was the last time you tried something new, and what did you do?: So… does having a baby count? Because, 8 months ago. But before that, I don’t know… the hubs and I went to South America, and went swimming with dolphins. I was all fat and pregnant. It wasn’t pretty, honestly…

7. What is your favourite film of all time?: Seriously? Seriously. Look, I realize you’re British, but you misspelled “favorite.” I mean, it’s cool, cuz we’re friends and all… anyway, it’s a three-way tie: Star Wars, Shrek, and Serenity. Star Wars is AMAZING, but hella long. Shrek is HILARIOUS, and Serenity answered SOME of my questions left from Firefly, but not all.

8. You can punch one celebrity in face without reprisal. Who would it be?: They’re not really worth my time. There’s that 16 year old girl who married that old dude, and now she’s constantly half naked in photos or something… I’d beat the shit out of her parents, because WTF?! SERIOUSLY?! She’s SIXTEEN, guys! Whatever. Enjoy eternity in hell.

9. If you could go 10 years into the future and ask yourself one question only, what would it be?: Are you gonna eat that?

10. How much money would it take for you to kill a puppy with a sledgehammer?: First of all, I fucking LOVE that you asked a question like this. You’re insane. Secondly, and I’m being completely honest, I don’t think I could. MAYBE if our financial situation were so bad that we couldn’t afford food for our son…. but as it is, I would be a wreck. You’d know that if you had LET ME WRITE MY POST ABOUT KITTIES!!!

11. What is your favourite swear word?: You misspelled “favorite” again!! And this is tough… There’s “Jesus-titty fucking-Christ,” or “Holy cunting G-dfuck.” Because that last one turns cunt into a verb. Also, I hate the word cunt… I don’t know why.

Done? Are we done? Ugh, thank G-D!! Ok, here are my nominations:

It’s Ames – she’s where I go to feel normal and well balanced… and to talk about mutual stalking on FB.

Words for Worms – this is a bit of a cop out, because she’s BRILLIANT and hilarious and amazing, and the whole point of this is to find other bloggers with fewer than 200 followers, and she has 196…. SO SHE STILL COUNTS!! She’s awesome. Read her shizz.

Hoodwinked is raw, and sweet, and funny. Sometimes I laugh, and sometimes I almost get into car accidents, because I’m trying to read a post on my phone while sitting in my car at a stop light. Stop writing good stuff, and I’ll stop endangering other motorists in the DMV area!

errinspelling writes haikus, but I swear they’re funny as shit! I like to read them aloud to my cats… they pretend they don’t appreciate it, but I know they’re just lying assholes.

A Prayer Like Gravity – some people are so talented it makes you want to slap them, and then rub up against their leg like a cat and be their friend. This blog is one of them. In particular, I STRONGLY recommend you read Bone Soup, Standing, and Bone Dance. They’re dark, soft, and stirring. You know, if you like good writing, or whatever. 

Blowing off Steam – do you cook? Me neither. Let’s all stare in wonder at people who know what the shit a crockpot does.

Shenrydafrankmann is funny, wistful, rude, and reserved. All at once, or maybe none of those at all. But I’m pretty sure he knows where I live, so read his blog, or he’ll post pictures of me eating ice-cream.

HOW does My Gay Mom not have more than 200 followers?! WHY ARE YOU NOT READING THIS HILARIOUSNESS?! You’re doing life wrong right now. Go read. I’ll wait.

Done? Ok. Let’s keep going. I don’t have all night for this shit.

Punky found me via The Bloggess. It may be mutual stalking, which I think is technically legal. Whatever… I’m like the ONE Jew who has no lawyer friends, so I can’t be entirely sure.

I have no idea what sort of silly fuckery is going on here, but suffice it to say: it’s a woman and her cow.

Read the trials and tribulations of a woman who gets married, has a family, realizes her partner is abusive, leaves said partner, has at least one awesome son who gets dressed up in a dress to make people laugh, and drinks lots of tea. The mom, not the son. Though, maybe he does, too? I’m not sure. Maybe if enough people follow her, she can take pix of her son drinking tea, if you’re into that. Anyway, she’s here.

And because I’m an asshole, more awesome people are here, and here.

 

But here is your bonus: I used to be on Tumblr…. I guess because I thought I was a 17 year old fitness blogger or something? I don’t know. I had just had a human cut from my loins. Anyway, I stumbled (TUMBLD?! Bah ha ha ha…. ok, sorry), across one of the most amazing writers I have ever seen. She’s working on getting published. She wrote a TINY piece that stuck in my brain, and will probably live there until I die. I’m not doing it justice, but it went something like:

“She was a Cancer, who didn’t know she didn’t have to be fatal.” – OMFG SOME PEOPLE ARE SO TALENTED I WANT TO SLAP THEM, THEN LOCK THEM IN MY BASEMENT AND MAKE THEM BE MY FRIEND. She’s here. Trust me, you need this.

OK! Now MY fun!!!

 

My 11 Questions:

1. What made you start blogging?:

2. You have one month, unlimited funds, and zero repercussions; what do you do?:

3. What is your Spirit Animal? (Hint: does not have to be a REAL animal. Second Hint: Cannot be me):

4. Remember that one thing you did that you hoped nobody would ever find out about? Go ahead and tell that story now, mkay?:

5. If you could have dinner with any 3 people, living or dead, who would you choose?:

6. When was the last time you tried something new, and what did you do?:

7. What is your favorite film of all time?:

8. Favorite book(s) of all time?:

9. If you could go 10 years into the past and tell yourself one thing, what would it be?:

10. I’m thinking of taking a vacation; where should I go?:

11. Best reason you called in sick to work, when you weren’t actually sick at all?:

 

Congrats to the nominees! I may or may not inform you you were nominated, because I am very sleepy, and I have already done a lot of work on this post. Meh, I’ll probably do it tomorrow.

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43 responses to “Fucking Blog Herpes

  1. Dan Bain says:

    Oooh, I gotta know — what Stephen King scene was it? Also, I enjoy your blog.

    • H. Stern says:

      I hope you don’t mind, I answered this for StumpsandBeans, so I’m copying and pasting my answer. And also THANK YOU for coming by!!

      Right, so, Stephen King wrote this wonderful book called “On Writing.” In it, he talks about being a small child with an ear infection, and how the pediatrician had to lance his ear drum. Gross, right? But not horrible.

      Well, the thing is, I happen to have a needle phobia. Not a FEAR of needles, an actual, honest to goodness phobia. As in, I can watch you sit there with needles all day, and it doesn’t phase me. But put one near my hand, and my veins will collapse and roll. My blood pressure will drop, and I pass out.

      This passage was SO WELL WRITTEN, I could actually imagine it was my ear. I started feeling warm, and I remember thinking to myself, “Well, this is just SILLY. You’re nowhere NEAR a needle right now!” and then people were screaming, and I couldn’t figure out why they were screaming, so I tried looking around, but I realized my eyes were closed, and THEN I realized I was on the floor.

      One of my major goals in life is to meet Stephen King so I can tell him that story, because if someone told me that I had written a scene that was SO well done, they actually passed out from it, I think I would be about the happiest person around!

      Thanks for commenting!!!

      • Dan Bain says:

        Don’t mind a bit; thanks for answering! That’s a great book, btw. I really enjoyed the autobiographical stuff — lots of things from his youth make it clear how/why he became such a great horror writer. Do you read his fiction, too? He’s great.

        • H. Stern says:

          You know what? I do. I read the formulaic horror (and I respect it!), as well as his works like “The Green Mile.” The last line in the book was like a chord that just resonates in you…

          I think he is, at once, the must under appreciated and over-hyped writer of our time. He’s under appreciated because, even if you do think some of his things are formulaic, WHO ELSE has discovered a formula that works SO WELL? And I don’t think that the snooty literature communities really get how well he creates characters. The flip side is, he’s had some great stuff, true, but look, write 30 books, have any degree of talent, and you’re bound to have at least 10 good ones. He’s had some less-than-fresh works (“Insomnia” comes to mind, even though I thought that was well done, too. “Thinnner” wasn’t my bag, though). One of his really great talents is, frankly, how prolific his is! So… odds will be in your favor.

          So…. yes. Big fan. Lots of respect. Like I said, he’s on my bucket list.

          You?

          • Dan Bain says:

            Love him. I used to be one of those literary elitists until I actually opened my mind and one of his books. I made it my goal to read all of his novels, and I never found one that I disliked. I agree some were less than fresh, but even his worst are decent. He has trouble with his endings sometimes, but his stories are compelling other than that. Yes, his characters are fantastic. “It” is a good example of all of that — a page-turner with strong characters, but a strange (if not weak) conclusion. But still a great book. And “The Green Mile” was profound. I remember finishing that one night on the couch, then just sitting in mind-blown silence for a bit before getting up and going upstairs to where my wife was almost asleep, and waking her up just to thank her for having given me that book. I compare it to “To Kill a Mockingbird” and I’m still not sure why, but there it is.

            • H. Stern says:

              Yeah, “It” was great. The opening is so strong, and I loved his use of the paper boat, and how it “sails out of the story.” That was really good. I didn’t understand why we all had to go on that weird journey of pedophilia group sex… especially as a woman (and former girl, myself), I was like, “How did this girl even really know all that much ABOUT sex? And why does the sex bind them together?” that part was a little weird.

              I also didn’t super understand why everything started fading away for them in the end, but I kinda liked that. I get the impression that sometimes HE knows what’s going on with these things, so he just sorta figures that’s good enough. Which, ok, fair enough, but still: child group sex. Weird.

              And I can completely see the tie between “To Kill a Mockingbird” and “Green Mile.” I think it was Harper Lee who once said that a Mockingbird isn’t any kind of a “pest” bird. They don’t eat the seeds to your garden, they don’t spread diseases. All they really do is sing, and make music, and make the world a better place. So, killing a Mockingbird is an act of pointless violence and destruction for the sake of violence and destruction. It’s essentially throwing a gift from G-D back in His face. So now, you look at John Coffey, and you think: here is a gift, a profound gift, and it’s given back. And the REAL kicker is that the crime of which he’s accused isn’t even the REASON he wants to go to the electric chair, because he explains that it’s really about what people do to each other every day. It’s all the little opportunities we have to be good and kind and decent, and we CHOOSE to be assholes, and THAT’S what he just can’t stomach. So, here we are, in a world that could be better than what it is, and we treat it like trash, and we destroy for the sake of destruction.

              So, I see it. I also see that it’s 11:08PM, and if you’ve read any of my earlier posts, you should know that only chaos and bad writing happen for me when I’m sleepy/ on NyQuil.

              Good night!

              • Dan Bain says:

                Yep, totally agree on the kids’ sexual bonding in the sewer. No matter how you justify it and how delicately you write about it, that’s just creepy. The whole Ritual of Chud thing was odd, too. I think SK once said that he doesn’t know how a story is going to end when he starts it, that the details come to him only after he starts writing. Could have been another writer, but I want to say it was him. I like that idea, that we’re vessels for some muse.

                Also agree on the “sails right out of the story” passage — I’ve loved that description since the first time I read “It.”

                Good analysis on “To Kill a Mockingbird.” Thanks for explaining what was in my head. 🙂

                Nice talkin’ to ya!

  2. omg that was so funny…1st congratulations…2. i have spent the whole day explaining to people i was writing about kats or cats in a sandbox yesterday and they probably didn’t even see yesterday.. and a few weeks ago i wrote about jim cramer’s cat named ishkabibbel and i don’t think your cats saw ishkabibbel. he was self actualized on the kitty pyramid.

  3. Funny stuff. Although I must disagree with you on the spelling of favourite. I believe that our way is correct. Trust me, i’m English. We were here first!

    • H. Stern says:

      No. NO! NOW YOU’VE MADE ME ANGRY AND I MUST GO DUMP SOME TEA INTO A BAY AND TAR AND FEATHER SOME TAX COLLECTORS!!

      Actually, interesting story, I watched a BBC history show on the American Revolution, and it was fascinating to see that historical perspective, because, obviously, we learn our history one way, and it’s a different take over there. I mean, not flattering to our founding fathers by any stretch of the imagination, but still pretty cool.

      Meh. I guess we’re cool.

  4. awkwardcharm says:

    You are so great, you’ve been nominated again! haha. I’ve nominated you for a Liebster Blog Award! Check out http://awkwardcharm.com/2013/03/01/the-liebster-blog-award/#respond for more information.

  5. Oh my gosh, I adore you. Not just because you pimped me out, but because you say things like “blog herpes.” Also, what sort of witchcraft allowed you to see how many followers I have? I don’t know if I know how to see that… I suck at the internet.

    • H. Stern says:

      Right! Ok! If you go to “Reader,” then, on the right, you’ll see your Reader Menu, and next to “Blogs I follow” you’ll see a little “Edit” button. Click that. On the center-left of your screen, you should see a list of all the blogs you follow. Click on one, and it’ll bring up that blog’s homepage, and right under the title of the blog, you’ll see the number of followers they have.

      Now to REALLY blow your mind: I have no idea how I figured that all, because I am a total technotard.

  6. Oh great. The last sore just finished healing. Guess I will have to put off writing that blog about my booger collection AGAIN.

    Have a banana split tonight, please, because it makes me want to fertilize your bushes when you do.

    I’m nominating Hacken because, well, she’s a whole lot more rude than I am.

  7. It's Ames says:

    This absolutely made me fucking day!!! Hilarious. I really like that the person who nominated you asked the puppy sledgehammer question! Also, I’m ecstatic to start reading the other blogs that you nominated. Annnnd I’m honored that you get you feel normal when reading my posts…? 🙂 for fucking serious, this whole post made me LOL. Love it!

  8. […] I caught “Fucking Blog Herpes.” […]

  9. What I desperately need to know is – what passage from what Stephen King book made you pass out?? Enjoyed discovering your blog via Punky/Slimegreen today 🙂

    • H. Stern says:

      Right, so, Stephen King wrote this wonderful book called “On Writing.” In it, he talks about being a small child with an ear infection, and how the pediatrician had to lance his ear drum. Gross, right? But not horrible.

      Well, the thing is, I happen to have a needle phobia. Not a FEAR of needles, an actual, honest to goodness phobia. As in, I can watch you sit there with needles all day, and it doesn’t phase me. But put one near my hand, and my veins will collapse and roll. My blood pressure will drop, and I pass out.

      This passage was SO WELL WRITTEN, I could actually imagine it was my ear. I started feeling warm, and I remember thinking to myself, “Well, this is just SILLY. You’re nowhere NEAR a needle right now!” and then people were screaming, and I couldn’t figure out why they were screaming, so I tried looking around, but I realized my eyes were closed, and THEN I realized I was on the floor.

      One of my major goals in life is to meet Stephen King so I can tell him that story, because if someone told me that I had written a scene that was SO well done, they actually passed out from it, I think I would be about the happiest person around!

      Thanks for commenting!!!

  10. […] for me to take a break from Hannah’s bush to write a blog she practically forced me, at will, in the library with a lead pipe, to write.  She […]

  11. Thanks for the shout-out Hannah. The cockles of my heart are blushing…oh, wait…I just needed to uncross my legs…..that’s better.

    Still not sure what to do with the whole award thing…kinda makes me uncomfortable….not unlike how I might feel if I had…ummm…you know………down there \/….
    😉

    • H. Stern says:

      Well, you can post it, or just graciously accept it and keep writing that kick-ass poetry you do!

      I’m fine with either.

      • I accept umm, see what I mean? Not very gracious though, huh? I get all weird when people talk all nicey-nice about me…using words like “skill” and “talent”. Too many years being convinced of my own insignificance…I’m really good at the self-pity thing though, no?
        Seriously. Thank you. Your words humble me.

  12. lillylion says:

    Oh, you are back (yes, I noticed…and missed you). I was out quite a bit last week, too…but watch out, me and my silly cow are baaaack! Thanks for the nomination, but also, thanks for letting me see what else you are reading–now I am REALLY inside your twisted head!!!

    ;oD I know we’ve never met, but love you! Almost as much as garlic butter. Almost.

  13. […] over at sunny days in dc has been nominated for the Liebster Award and was kind enough to mention me in her list of folks […]

  14. Zen Doe says:

    OMG! I just followed your blog based entirely on the title of this post! HA! Can’t wait to dig in and start reading. Found you though “A Prayer Like Gravity”

  15. my gay mom says:

    I’ve accepted your Liebster herpes and passed it on to people I adore.

  16. Teeny Bikini says:

    Congrats!! Of course, you deserve accolades! Sorry they are not from Tiffany… maybe next time. Love this: “because it does not come with a cash prize, means nothing to me.”

    Word.

  17. ekgo says:

    How come your Liebster looks different than mine? I don’t comprehend this. But I like your questions and that’s really all that matters. Right? Right.

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