Sunny Days in DC

Jack of All Trades, Master of 3-ish.

Hold Still; I have to stab you in the face

on February 22, 2013

My first boss here in DC once said to me, “You’ll never make it in this industry; you’re not demure enough for a woman.” Well, fuck you very much, too!

As much as that pissed me off, what drives me to the brink of letting my head explode while candy comes shooting out, is when that shit comes from a woman.

Case in point: my friend is in a meeting today. One of the other women she works with pulls her aside after the meeting and tells her that she shouldn’t “speak so loud.”

Are you for fucking real? ARE YOU?! I MIGHT HAVE TO STRANGLE YOU WITH MY FALLOPIAN TUBES RIGHT NOW… they’re probably pretty small, so you’re gonna have to get up REAL close to me…

For some reason, I feel like chicks should support other chicks. Sisah Soljah. Keep it real. I’m every woman; it’s all in me. ALL of that. So, when I see a woman trying to hold another woman back, my eye starts twitching, and I have to fight off the urge to grab them by the shoulders and yell…


She’s “talking too loud”?! What does that even MEAN???? Like, was she YELLING? Was she screaming uncontrollably like I am right now? No? She was just being forceful and commanding? THEN GOOD. That makes you uncomfy in your little girl panties?! EVEN BETTER!!!!

What would possibly make this woman happy? Maybe my friend should come in to work in a knee-length skirt, never make eye contact, and only speak when spoken to. Maybe she should giggle when people look directly at her or ask her a question, and defer to this other woman. “Oh gosh, I don’t know, Laura* probably knows the answer to that,” my friend will have to whisper while wringing her hands.


*It’s ok to look, just don’t make direct eye contact. Only whores and loud women do that.*

And this is the thing: for some reason, I consistently expect more from other women, PARTICULARLY women in business. YOU KNOW HOW HARD THIS IS, WHY ARE YOU MAKING IT HARDER?! I’ve had people treat me like my vagina is the hole that my brain falls out of when I stand up, and what’s upsetting is that a good 25% of the people who do that to me HAVE BEEN WOMEN.

I don’t get it. Are they trying to prove something? I know lots of men in business who respect their female counterparts, and are comfortable taking directions from women. Is this a thing where some women are trying to show they’re “just one of the guys”? Is she trying to assert her own power over my friend? Is she trying to take control over something, just for the purpose of control?

And more to the point: when my head DOES finally explode, what kind of candy will come shooting out? Leave your guess in the comments below.

Goodnight, good people of earth.


*I’m using the name “Laura,” but I don’t know any Lauras who are this stupid, so I am now forced to apologize to all Lauras everywhere. I am sorry. I owe you a Starbucks.

30 responses to “Hold Still; I have to stab you in the face

  1. I work for a woman owned company and nobody messes with her. Nada. I hide my penis when she is around.

    • H. Stern says:

      See, I just wish it wouldn’t MATTER if your boss were a woman or a man. People should respect her experience and authority, but I feel like women are just snitty with each other. I’ve actually heard men be better with a female boss than her female subordinates. Like, GAH!! But WHY?!

      • Agreed. It should not matter. Working for a woman owned company did change management perspective in our company somewhat, but what it did was give some women supervisors and directors an attitude that can only be described as superior in an idiotic way.

        The best employees, male or female, that I know are those who don’t seem to think about gender and who place value on character and performance.

        Now one other thing — the department that is almost totally female is snitty, backbiting, and divided.

        • H. Stern says:

          Seriously?? DAMMIT!! That’s just… that’s embarrassing! It validates every negative stereotype about women. I’m so angry, I may have to go shopping for shoes, now!!

          ARE YOU SATISFIED?! Shoes and chocolate. Chocolate shoes. Mmmmm…..

  2. I have had the worst women bosses. The WORST. I think I was a pretty bad female boss too, if I’m being honest, but I was never intentionally mean. I had two woman bosses once who told me in a review that “everyone on the 4th floor hates you because you don’t smile enough.” Seriously?

  3. Tammy says:

    Women supporting women is a concept that isn’t readily accepted on a universal basis. That pisses me off. Some of the nastiest and cattiest behaviors are from women towards each other. I do know however that every company culture is different and what is accepted in one might not be accepted in another. I don’t like that but I know it’s true. When I hear someone say that, “SHE is a certain way” I always try to ask the question – would you say that if she was a man? It at least makes people stop and think. I think it’s worth asking if the woman or women parceling out advice were trying to be helpful or hurtful. There’s a deep difference although actions are misinterpreted sometimes.

    • H. Stern says:

      I hear what you’re saying, and if the comment had been to retool a document, or rework an agenda for a meeting, I would say “Meh, maybe she has a point.” But, “you’re speaking too loud in a meeting”? What does that even MEAN? I guess I’m guilty of this too, because I expect MORE from women who could empathize, but don’t.

  4. Is that you in the picture?

    • H. Stern says:

      Do you like my hair? Super pretty, right?

      • Curly, even. The look of devotion says “just wait until I can get you alone, stud.. and strangle you”.

        • H. Stern says:

          Really? I thought I was giving him the look of, “Please plant as many babies in me as possible, lest my body be more to this world than a baby-makin easy-bake-oven.”

          What’s funny is that my hair IS super curly. But I don’t do her mullet thing. I mean, it’s cool; she rocks that look. I will also not birth entire sports teams. Other than that, we’re total twinsies.

  5. fddancewear says:

    I now own my own business. Before that I saw it all. I once worked with this great woman who knew exactly how to “get it done.” We were on a sales staff together and the owner came to our sales meeting to chew us out. His closing words were …and if you can’t do that you are nothing but a bunch of wimps and pussies.” She said and I quote, “Excuse me, I don’t mind the pussy part, but I really resent being called a wimp.” End of rant, end of meeting.
    During part of my career I also worked for a woman’s organization whose mission it was to empower women. Talk about a bunch of women controlling each other. In many ways except for our CEO’s efforts, it was an unempowering work experience.

    • H. Stern says:

      That boss sounds HILARIOUS! But the “Women Empowerment” group is pretty much exactly what I’d expect. Which is tragic. You know what else is weird? I went into NOW (National Organization for Women) about a year ago, and they work out of this tiny little run down office. I thought they were this big, powerful group… but I think a lot of women nowadays are scared of the word “feminist,” like it’s synonymous with the phrase “man-hater,” or “evil bitch.”

      I’m pretty sure all any of this means is that I would like to be treated like a human being, regardless of whether my genitalia are internal or external. I just hate that so many other women DON’T feel the same way.

  6. hacken2013 says:

    I’m 100% certain it wouldn’t be candy spewing from your skull! Am I the only one who answered that question?

    I’m with you; women, support women, or STFU.

    One of my friends told me she was once sent home from work because a coworker said she didn’t like her pantylines. So she was sent home to change. I’d LOVE to see how you’d react to that one, hahahaha!

    • H. Stern says:

      A) Yes, thank you, you were the only one who answered. Bonus points.

      B) However, your answer was incorrect, as everyone knows that my brains are made entirely out of Swedish Fish. Which are delicious. And now I want some Swedish Fish.

      C) ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME?! WHAT COUNTRY DO YOU LIVE IN?! I need the answer to that, because I need to know in WHAT COUNTRY is it legal for a coworker to make comments about PANTYLINES?! OMFG. OOOOOOOOOOOOOMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMFFFFFFFFFFFFGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGG!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

      *BOOM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! swedish fish*

      • hacken2013 says:

        THANK YOU for responding exactly how I did. My coworker actually said she went home and changed! I told her I not only would NOT have changed, but I would have caused a scene. “WHATCHU LOOKIN AT MY ASS FO?!” Then I would have suggested that seeing thong lines (it happens, thank you, Mother-in-Law) is more offensive, and/or what appears to be a giant, untethered sloppy ass jiggling around the office.
        Or a punch in the face. A punch in the face might be more offensive. Cuz there IS that.
        Believe me, if someone found reason to find my pantilines offensive, I can guarantee they will forget what they were offended by, by the time I was done with them.

        • H. Stern says:

          She changed? She’s a better person than I am. I would have been like, “You need to focus on YOUR WORK, and not MY ASS, fine though it may be.”

          Whatever. It’s a weird world, man.

  7. blowingoffsteamandmore says:

    This reminds me of why I hated working in an office full of women for 12 years. Women are bitchy, divided, backstabbing and horrible to work with, at least the ones I knew! Of course, it was only me that felt that way, while all of the others were perfectly happy being fake friends with each other. I never once said a mean word, just closed my door and didn’t participate (except to listen to each of them with their complaints about the others because some of them were my admin assistants) and found out later that my silence translated into bitchiness and they all talked about me every day. Their days were built around what horrible thing I did that day (like go to the bathroom, make coffee, you know awful stuff). While I am flattered that they would spend so much time talking about me, it truly amazes me that one’s integrity and unwillingness to be a bitch makes them into a bitch to everyone else who doesn’t have a spine. No one has the balls to stand up for themselves or other people and it pisses me off. Phew. Rant over.

    • blowingoffsteamandmore says:

      Or should I say, no one has the vaginas?

      • H. Stern says:

        See, but we’re NOT bitchy. Or, we don’t HAVE to be. That’s what gets me. I feel like we COULD work together, and a lot of times, I’ve seen it happen… but I’ve also seen so many women just drag each other down. I don’t know. It’s very upsetting.

        It makes my vagina sad.

        • blowingoffsteamandmore says:

          Agreed. We don’t have to be. I have worked with some amazing women who weren’t competitive or condescending. The women who have the most self confidence seem to make the best co-workers and bosses. I just realized that rant above makes me sound just like the co-workers I was criticizing. Time for an attitude change about those memories!

  8. momany says:

    Women do need to support other women not hold them back! I’m loud. It’s just in me and I don’t take shit from anyone…it’s not in me either.
    One never has to wonder what I’m thinking…I’ll tell ya!
    You keep on being you and defending women. Don’t take a step backwards for anyone:)

  9. Ug. That is so super awful. As a woman in a sort of business world, I see this happening so much, to me and to others. I just don’t know.

  10. ekgo says:

    I tell women they’re too damned loud all the time and I tell them to shut their yaps or, at least, whisper. But then, that’s because they bring their loud-ass voices into my super-quiet-we-are-concentrating room and because it’s a library, there are far more women than men so the chances of me having to yell at a woman to shut up is about 7 to 1 for a man, though I yell at them, too, when they’re too loud in my room. I’m an equal opportunity down-putter.

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