Sunny Days in DC

Jack of All Trades, Master of 3-ish.

I’m so fucking badass right now…

on February 14, 2013

YEAH!!!! BAREFOOT!! IN THE KITCHEN! COOKING DINNER!!!

Ok. It’s spaghetti. And ok, I had to spell check the word “spaghetti” because WTF? AN “H”?! WHY DO YOU HAVE AN “H,” SPAGHETTI?! You know what you are? You’re pasta who’s gotten too big for his britches!!

Anyway, I wanted spaghetti for dinner, and since the husband was working (why are you working when you know I need to eat?!), I decided to try this whole “cooking” fad the kids keep going on about.

I gotta be honest; I don’t see this business catching on. I mean, using your fridge to keep vegetables? Where is Mama gonna chill her wine? And why are there so many knobs on this “stove” thingy?

Whatever.

I walked into the kitchen, opened and closed some cupboards loudly, but when the husband failed to emerge, I realized that the fate of our entire family rested on me. This was it, people. THIS WAS MY SHINING MOMENT! Tonight, I would look hunger in the face and yell, “NOT THIS HOUSE, BUDDY! NOT ON MY WATCH!*”

I grabbed a pot, filled it with water, and set that to boil. Then, I opened a jar of canned tomatoes, poured that in another pot, and set it to warm. I opened a cupboard and saw spices. I liked spices!

I ADDED ALL THE SPICES!!!!!!!!

Then, I turned to my pasta.

“Boil in water. Cook for 10 minutes. The longer pasta is cooked, the higher the glycemic index. Learn to enjoy your pasta al-dente.”

I’m sorry, but I have ZERO time for bossy pasta. I shall cook you until you are delicious! IN YOU GO!

I’m honestly not sure how long I cooked that pasta for. I was running around the kitchen shouting random words like “domestic goddess,” and “perfect wife,” and “where are my meds?”!

Eventually, when the whirlwinds of chaos subsided, the pasta and sauce were ready to go. Nothing fancy, my friends, just a good ol’ American dinner of pseudo-Italian cooking. And now, I write this in a carb-induced haze of happiness. I have provided for my family. No one will starve tonight. I may even make my husband rub my feet. I mean, after all, I go to work, I bring home the kosher imitation-bacon. Then, I cook it up for dinner?

Someone needs to find me a damn cape, because I am ROCKING this “Super Mom” shizz.

 

 

*Technically, yes, I could have ordered pizza. Thanks for ruining my awesome story, punk.

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29 responses to “I’m so fucking badass right now…

  1. Teeny Bikini says:

    Yup, I know where to go when I need a laugh. Thanks, domestic diva.

  2. fortyoneteen says:

    I’m with you on the bossy pasta – open other end? I’ll open how I want!

  3. The Frantic Blogster says:

    Ah damn, I totally forgot I am following your blog. I received the Liebster Award yesterday and had no one to pass it on to. You’d definitely deserve one. You could grab it if you want to? I have some real nice questions that go with it. And I promise I’ll make an honorable mention of your blog.

    P.S. This post was hilarious.

  4. The Frantic Blogster says:

    P.P.S. I sounded like a child molester, didn’t I? I did. Ahw darn. It was meant to sound funny. Ah well.

  5. kathibook says:

    Don’t spend much time in the kitchen???……you’d never know it!!…..although ‘a jar of canned tomatoes’ is a bit baffling!! lol

  6. Thanks for the laugh. – John

  7. lillylion says:

    New line that shall be uttered to all food-stuffs as they enter the boiling pot: ” I shall cook you until you are delicious! IN YOU GO!” Oh.My.Gawd!

  8. awkwardcharm says:

    I see nothing wrong with your cooking style – mine is exactly the same! 🙂 (I also eat a lot of pasta…)

  9. The way you talk about a boiling pot really turns me on.

  10. LOL- you bring home the kosher imitation – bacon! i love that

  11. The first time I cooked dinner for my husband, trying to be all sexy domestic goddess like, I ruined the surprise. Because I had to call him to ask how to turn the oven on. After we had lived in our place for over a year. In my defense, there were a lot of buttons (like, 3), and I was confused.

  12. blowingoffsteamandmore says:

    Great, now I have Annoying Orange’s Lady Pasta in my head. Watch it. Then watch it again. You will never be the same. Pa pa aastaa! Garlic, ooh la laa! Just boil me and stir me once in a while as you heat up some sauce in paan… argh

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