Sunny Days in DC

Jack of All Trades, Master of 3-ish.

That one time I accidentally attended an orgy, ordered a pizza and watched cable

on February 10, 2013

Sometimes, it’s tough for me to make female friends. Not that I don’t get along with women, but the conversation eventually comes around to sex (because it’s fun and squishy and burns calories!), and I so rarely share the views of other women I know. For example, did you know that there’s such as thing as “post-sex guilt”?

But… why? It’s… did they not read the line above where I said both “fun” AND “squishy”?

Yup. Guilt.

I’m a fan of my lady bits. I don’t really see a problem there. Most men I know are fans of lady bits. I mean, I don’t name mine or anything, but, you know, HUZZAH VAGINA!

And I’m not a virgin. I wasn’t when I got married. I don’t have anything against people who choose to wait, other than the fact that I think you’re missing out on exploring a side of who YOU are, but that’s a choice, and that’s cool.

And that’s generally how my attitude is about most things. I don’t do drugs. You do? Not my bag, but whatever makes you happy. I didn’t drink before I was 21. I hung out with people who did. That’s cool.

So, I guess I shouldn’t be surprised that when I went to college, I ended up making friends with the on-campus drug dealer, and convincing several members of our football team to take a tap dancing class with me. I don’t know, that just seems to be how things go for me.

And yes, they were graceful as butterflies.

Anyway, I had been dating this boy for a while, and when we broke up I took it kinda hard. Like, “I’m going to sit in my room with the shades drawn, play angry-woman music, and watch episodes of Daria on MTV. Leave me alone”- hard. So, like any good friends do, mine invited me out to a house party.

“Come! You’ll love it!” they said, as I did my very best to shoot scathing looks through their eyeballs and willed their brains to explode into popcorn (I was also kinda hungry at the time, too). It didn’t work. Popcornless, I agreed to go.

The evening started off fine. It was a house. A bunch of college kids. A couple of townies. Alcohol. What could POSSIBLY go wrong? I did some shots, had a couple of drinks, and tried to loosen up. About two hours in, I was as loose as I was gonna get. That equated to mostly bored. I want to say that there were a couple of hot guys there, but I was also drunk and in college, so my judgement is highly questionable. Anyway, I went in search of my friends to see what they were up to.

This is the part where, if this were a scary movie and I was the dumb blond, you would scream “Don’t open the door to the bedroom!”

But it’s not. And I’m not blond. So I did.

On the bed was probably the fantasy of at LEAST 20 people I know. It was a mass of writhing college-age kids all doing things to each other that would make me want to shower after. And possibly use hand sanitizer. You really can’t be too careful nowadays; I hear the flu is going around.

Anyway, I opened the door on a scene out of Caligula, blinked a couple of times, and saw my host’s pants on the floor.

“Huh.” I said, with my usual eloquence.

I took his wallet. I’m not proud of that fact, and if he ever reads this: I apologize, Tim. But let’s be fair; he was busy, and I wanted a motherfucking pizza. Priorities, people.

I took the wallet, went down to the kitchen, poured myself a bailey’s, and ordered a pizza. Extra garlic butter.

As a side note, have you HAD Papa John’s garlic butter? Because YES THAT WILL MAKE YOU SKIP AN ORGY.

Anyway, I took my Bailey’s into the living room and waited for the pizza to arrive. I was SUPER excited to learn that Tim had cable (thanks Tim!), so I hung out there and waited for the orgy to end so I could catch a lift home from someone after I sprayed Lysol on them the pizza to arrive.

I kept expecting them to finish up just as the pizza arrived, and waves of panic hit me as I considered that I might have to SHARE my pizza with a bunch of horny, hungry kids.

Thankfully, they kept fucking. (Yeah, youthful endurance!)

The pizza arrived, and I watched Daria on MTV and ate pizza until the orgy finished and I sobered up. My friends couldn’t believe I didn’t join in.

“Two things,” I said, “one, I didn’t shave my legs. But two: GARLIC BUTTER!”

……………………….

Looking back, it’s a wonder I had any friends at all.

Advertisements

20 responses to “That one time I accidentally attended an orgy, ordered a pizza and watched cable

  1. Ki Vault says:

    Two things,Bailey’s and Garlic Butter? Did you give Tim his wallet back?

  2. rainey says:

    Orgy? meh. Papa Johns GARLIC BUTTER? Hell yea! I knew we were friends for a reason!

  3. In fairness, I would’ve done the same, except DOMINOES MOTHERFUCKER!
    Also, having testicles and really not getting the whole Bailey’s thing, it would’ve been a beerciderscotch mix. God I miss those.

  4. So this is what I missed by going to a bible college.

  5. holdontoyourpants says:

    Haha this is amazing! Your life is so entertaining, thanks for a great read!

  6. Teeny Bikini says:

    Of course, the right choice was pizza. Isn’t it always? 🙂

  7. […] completely IRREVERENT and NAUGHTY take on something resembling a Valentine’s Day topic, try this lovely article. Don’t say I didn’t warn […]

  8. lillylion says:

    “”Two things,” I said, “one, I didn’t shave my legs. But two: GARLIC BUTTER!””

    Two things; one, I am a chick and two, wanna be friends (I’ll bring the garlic butter)! AWESOME post!

  9. ekgo says:

    Ok, for serious, now we HAVE to be friends and you need to be friends with my sister, too, because sex is one of our favorite topics (the other is poop, of course) and … oh, just skip the explanations and move in with me! I can MAKE garlic butter with twice the garlic and salt and all the deliciousness! And we can have it on popcorn as well as on pizza and DUDE! It’s going to be great!

  10. ekgo says:

    Yes. I can. And it is amazingly delicious because I GROW MY OWN GARLIC…that happens to be amazingly delicious.

People who leave comments on blogs have been statistically shown to live longer, happier lives.

Please log in using one of these methods to post your comment:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

Humans Are Weird

colourful observations

rarasaur

frightfully wondrous things happen here.

1pointperspective

NOT just another WordPress.com site

The Bumble Files

The truth is in here

lauren.nicolette.colie.

writer.editor.researcher.

Cinema Parrot Disco

Musings on Mainly Movies from a Table 9 Mutant

Skinny Jeans & Cupcakes

Fashionably Fit While Ballin' on a Budget

The Dirty Dame

Penny for your dirty thoughts?

Vanessa-Jane Chapman

Blog of a 40 something year old mother of two. She writes, she acts, she bakes, she works in education.

Fiction Favorites

with John W. Howell

006.7 EKGO

a blogful of stories

mlewisredford

almost indefatigable and quietly militant naïveté ...

Bain Waves

The world is hurting; laugh more.

The Juggle Struggle

Trying hard not to drop the balls or smash the plates.

Sweet Mother

Where my Old writing lives!

Free Range Cow

The adventures and roamings of a silly cow

bakingnotwriting

A site by a writer who is baking...or a baker who isn't writing

Pucker Up Buttercup

Wisdom & Nonsense From Your Basic Suburbanite Baroness

I Won't Take It

Life After an Emotionally Abusive Relationship

%d bloggers like this: