I was in the middle of writing a really nice post about my vagina, but you’re all going to have to wait on that, because OMFG!!!!!!!!
I went onto FaceBook, because I can’t do that at work, so I’m a little obsessed when I get home. So, here’s me, la dee dah, all checking out my feed and shit, when I see this girl I went to college with.
Oh. Hello person who used to obsess over older, married men. Well, I’m glad you’re married and happy now… and oh look! You just had a baby! *Genuine happiness for you, even though you feel the need to post to my feed EVERY TIME YOUR BABY POOPS OR SNEEZES!* Hey man, congrats! I know the first few months are SUPER tough but I’m here for you. We can talk about the time I ran away in a restaurant and cried in the bathroom, or…
FB UPDATE:”I am SO in love with my baby! She’s just the BEST!”…
Fuck. Just…. just FUCK. Look, I get that each person experiences parenthood, and life in general, from their own perspective. And maybe your baby is sleeping through the night already (doubtful), or maybe she just loves to laugh (still too young)… but we need to have a fucking conversation. And by “conversation,” I mean I’m going to tell you what to do, and you’re going to do it, or I will reach through my computer and slap the silly shit out of you.
Let’s get started, shall we?
1. Seriously. Stop putting your daughter in every.thing.pink. I get it. There’s a lot of societal pressure to “girlie” girl shit up. Pink and purple EVERYWHERE. But your three week old CAN wear something other than a pink tutu, and those pink garter/cancer-patient headbands they put on girl babies without hair. Stop it. Just… stop it. Put her in a fucking onesie.
2. Stop pretending your life is full of unicorns farting rainbows. Do you know what my FB status updates looked like when I had Max? 9 out of 10 were along the lines of “FUUUUUUUUUUUUUCK…. SLEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEP…” with an occassional, “Oh wow! He just learned how to roll over! That’s kinda cool…” thrown in.
3. Why is your profile photo of you during your C-Section? I…. I can’t. WHO IS TAKING A PHOTO OF YOU WHILE YOU’RE STRAPPED DOWN, AND BEING SLICED & DICED?! Guess what? I had a C, too. I STILL don’t want to see that. Did you have a photographer in there? You will never know how many precious minutes I spent pondering WHO FUCKING TAKES PHOTOS DURING MAJOR ABDOMINAL SURGERY?!?!?!
Is that a “thing”? Now I feel badly that I didn’t have an album put together for that time I had my appendix out. #MissedOpportunities #NextYearsChristmasCards
4. You have a fluffy white cat? Of COURSE you do…
5. Stop taking pictures of your baby on/near/staring at/drooling on your fluffy white cat. While you’re at it… why is that cat always on a fluffy white pillow?
…is that cat even REAL?
….OMG….. ARE YOU POSING YOUR CHILD ON A STUFFED WHITE CAT?
…..fuck it. I need a drink.