Sunny Days in DC

Jack of All Trades, Master of 3-ish.

That Time I was Attacked by a Phantom Hand That Was Actually MINE, But It Still Scared Me, So I Totally Ran Around My Living Room Screaming

on January 23, 2013

This isn’t a long post, I don’t think. I haven’t written it yet, so it might be. I don’t know. It’s my blog, and you’re on it.

Anyway, I like to think I’m many things, but sometimes, smart is not one of them. Case in point: I can no longer watch movies in the dark. It’s not that it scares me, or that I could stand up and trip on my way to the bathroom (although, yes and yes). It’s because I’m incapable of watching tv in the dark like a normal fucking human being, without spazzing out.

One time, I think I was 22 or something (old enough to know better, young enough to still be stupid and pick up Swedish drummers in bars and try to make them talk to me like the Swedish Chef from The Muppets), my mom and I were watching a scary movie in our living room. She had turned out the lights because… I don’t know… do people still do that? She turned out the lights to make it more like a real movie, or maybe to be more scary, or maybe we just hadn’t paid the electric bill. I can’t be sure. Anyway, I was lounging on the couch for probably about thirty minutes. The movie had gotten to a really intense part, and both of us were riveted. I was watching the screen. Something was happening. Maybe our hero was facing off against the evil Snakefishhead (thank you, SciFy network, for such epic gems!), when I looked down. There, just underneath me, was a long, pale arm, sticking out from behind the pillows… Suddenly, it moved!



*Why is there a fucking arm after me? AND WHAT THE FUCK IS IN THIS BOWL?*

My mom sat on the couch laughing hysterically, waiting for me to figure out that the arm that was following me (and sometimes coming right at my face!) was, in fact, my own. I had been laying on my arm in the dark, and so distracted by the movie that I hadn’t noticed when it had fallen asleep. When I looked down, the arm had moved, and I freaked and ran around like a chicken without a head (remind me to tell you the time I was chased around a yard by a chicken without a head. It traumatized me, and now I consider every trip to KFC as my own personal act of revenge. FUCK YOU, CHICKENS OF THE ENTIRE DAMN WORLD!!).

And that, in sum, is why I don’t trust either of my arms. Because I believe that given half a chance, they will turn on me again. One night. In the dark.

…it’s just a matter of time, people.

23 responses to “That Time I was Attacked by a Phantom Hand That Was Actually MINE, But It Still Scared Me, So I Totally Ran Around My Living Room Screaming

  1. that’s hilarious!

  2. Adam S says:

    Um. This is what I’m working on, Hannah Bananas.

  3. holdontoyourpants says:

    This is hilarious, but it could be worse.. you could be like me; can’t watch movies with the lights off because I will certainly be asleep by minute 32.

  4. Been there, done that! Often, in fact.

  5. Really enjoyed it. Thanks – John

  6. punkycoletta says:

    I just came back and read this a second time. I laughed so loud the first time, and then I remembered that I have experienced similar things before, and now I am a mixture of scared and sympathetic!

    • H. Stern says:

      I am actually ASTOUNDED at the number of people I tell this story to, who then tell me that they experienced the same thing. I mean, yes, hilarious, but it essentially tells me that we are ALL GOING TO BE ATTACKED BY OUR OWN HANDS SOME NIGHT WHEN WE LEAST EXPECT IT!!

      …my mom still makes fun of me…

  7. my gay mom says:

    I was fourteen the first time I got drunk, and I passed out on my arm. When I woke, I thought I’d done something horrible, that the booze had somehow broken my arm nerves (is that a thing?) I started to freak out, swinging my arm around, while trying to create a plausible excuse to tell my parents of how I’d wrecked my precious appendage.

  8. Marie says:

    You are freaking hilarious. thanks for a good laugh :-))

  9. I couldn’t stop laughing & my hubby was looking at me like I was crazy. Thanks for the hearty laugh.

  10. ekgo says:

    I haven’t had the mysterious appendage experience but the real-live headless chicken? ME, TOO!!!

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