Sunny Days in DC

Jack of All Trades, Master of 3-ish.

Let’s never be best friends.

on January 4, 2013

I am a horribly offensive person. But at least I’m up front about that.

One of my husband’s friends, who is also a friend of mine, posted a quote onto Facebook, along the lines of:

“The Day You Were Born, Was The Day G-D Decided That The World Couldn’t Do Without You.”

…really? REALLY? Look buddy, you CAN’T leave an opening line like that out, and expect me NOT to take it. The fact that none of your other friends have made snarky comments yet, just shows me that you need better friends.

Of course I had to make a comment. Because I’m me.

“So, I guess that means that for every wasted sperm, G-D was all, “NOPE! It’s the tissue for you, SUCKAH!!!”

Fuck you, that’s some comedy GOLD PLATINUM funny shit right there.

He deleted it. It was “embarrassing.”

Seriously? NUT. UP. WHY would you even be friends with me, then? I MADE A VOODOO DOLL FOR MY UNBORN CHILD WHILE NESTING DURING MY PREGNANCY. You should be aware by now that I am not an appropriate person.


*I call him “Sammy the Skeleton.” I snuggle with him every night.*

I kinda wanna screen cap that and put it up as my status on Facebook… but I’m pretty sure that would end the friendship.


11 responses to “Let’s never be best friends.

  1. Ki Vault says:

    I am laughing again Hannah. On evenings when I am bored I have a look on facebook for stupid status lines to answer, I find it a great and fun way of getting rid of people I don’t really know anyhow.Then I accept more friend requests for future bored evenings. I don’t know if maybe I should get out more.

    • H. Stern says:

      That sounds like a perfectly reasonable hobby, and one that I would enjoy. Maybe I’ll got “accept” all those pending friend requests, and post something interesting, and see who sticks around when the dust settles.

  2. Adam S says:

    Are you gonna fucking guest blog for me or what!

    • H. Stern says:

      Oh Adam, you sure know how to sweet talk a girl. I’d love to!!!! Now I just have to go deal with the crippling panic of writing a shitty post as a guest post, and having you completely regret ever asking me, and having to live with that shame for the rest of my life.

      Ahhh… it’s nice to have my evening mapped out!

  3. Teeny Bikini says:

    “The fact that none of your other friends have made snarky comments yet, just shows me that you need better friends.”

    I think I snorted something out of my nose when read this. My face is hurting. Damn your hilarity! 🙂

    • H. Stern says:

      Wrong way. You’re supposed to snort things UP your nose. I mean, you really shouldn’t, because, you know: death. But I’m pretty sure OUT is the wrong direction.

      But thanks!!

  4. ekgo says:

    Ok. We should be FB friends and I can post that as my status so you can leave that comment and we will BOTH LAUGH!
    What will be even funnier is that status will freak a lot of my friends all the hell out because they’ll be all, “Woah, wait, what? When did Erica find God?” and I”ll be all, “Oh, I thought he was all around us. Isn’t he? He’s supposed to be, right? It’s pretty easy to run into him using that logic, don’t you think?” and they’ll wonder why I know that.
    Dude, I’ve been to lots of churches and most of them say that God is all around us. Even the Jehovah’s Witnesses, even though they say Jehovah and sometimes Yahweh (am I allowed to use those names on a Jewish person’s blog? If not, well I didn’t know. You can go cross them out, though that would be sort of offensive, right?) but he’s still all around, regardless of his name. Sorry. His name.
    And then lots of other friends would get all uppity over your comment because they’re … um … conservative Christian types (and, no, I don’t know why they stay friends with me. I think they just hide me because a good Christian would never unfriend someone?? I dunno) and that would be HILARIOUS!
    I freakin’ LOVE THIS PLAN!

    • H. Stern says:

      Two things:

      1) I love this comment so much, I just got it pregnant.

      2) “Jehovah” is, well, a long story, but you can totally use it and the only people who would get offended are idiots. So, yeah. But LET’S TOTALLY BE FB FRIENDS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

      Imma stalk you now. Just ask “ItsAmes.” I text the shit out of that girl. Like, pictures of matzah and crap. It’s awesome.

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