Sunny Days in DC

Jack of All Trades, Master of 3-ish.

In which I learn that I have a hard time with boundaries.

on January 2, 2013

I’m kind of like one of those Labrador Retrievers, in that I like to lick myself make new friends everywhere I go. Part of it is innate, but another big part I get from a friend of mine. I used to be her manager, and on our first day together, I took her out to lunch to get to know her better. She started off lunch by saying:

“I just want you to know: I know I have a hole in my crotch.”

INSTANT. FRIENDSHIP.

Of course, she was just referring to her pants, but I choose to ignore that, and believe that she just knew how to sweet talk me with awkwardness.

HER side of the story is that she liked me, and forced me to be her friend by telling me about her crotch, and also “inadvertently” grabbing my boob when our train stopped short one day. That happened, too.

Our friendship is built on accidental sexual harassment.

Anyway, today I went to Ikea with my husband and El Bebe. Ikea is what I do when I need pretty in my life, and Target just won’t fucking cut it anymore. Ikea makes me feel like I could be someplace foreign and exotic, but where everything is clean, in English, and they have delicious meatballs.

Interestingly enough, they don’t like when you go to sleep on one of their beds.

Ask me how I know this.

My husband walked away with Max for a couple of minutes and… ok, I’m not proud of this part, but I ran away.

HEY HEY HEY!! I DIDN’T TOTALLY LEAVE MY HUSBAND AND SON… you know, not for long. I just went to the bedding section when they weren’t looking. I also might have knocked over some KVELLERs or whatever those cabinets are called to make it harder for them to follow by accident. There, I spied a lovely bed that didn’t have a screaming baby near it, and figured I would test the firmness of the mattress.

I fell the fuck asleep in Ikea. A chick in a yellow shirt was all, “Umm… Ma’am… you can’t sleep in the display.”

Agree to disagree… because I totally am right now.

Image

*Her, too. I’mma find this woman, and make her be my friend. We’ll start a club. JOIN US.*

“Ma’am? Ma’am. Do you have any questions about the display?”

Yes… how do I turn the light off, and where do I get a fourth wall?

Eventually, I had to get up, because I’m too pretty for prison. And also because my husband found me. He says that most people don’t actually get horizontal in Ikea, but I think he’s just jealous that I thought of it first.

As we argued, I saw another exhausted looking mom walking around with a small baby. So, because I’m me, I asked her, “You have a baby; if you could take a nap in Ikea for a few hours, wouldn’t you?”

“Totally” she said without batting an eye.

I got her number. I’m going to make her be my best friend, and we’re going to have sleepovers in IKEA.

And eat meatballs in bed. Class, all the way.

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16 responses to “In which I learn that I have a hard time with boundaries.

  1. It's Ames says:

    Ahh, I’m so glad I found your blog! This just.made me laugh super hard!

  2. Ok, If you guys do the sleep-over thing, can I take pictures…assuming it’s ok with the hubby and all…
    A great Laugh!

  3. holdontoyourpants says:

    AH.MAZE.ING.

  4. I showed my husband the picture of u in the IKEA bed and he said, “damn, she got all tucked in there.” You are funny. Great, relatable post. We love going to the world of IKEA too.

    • H. Stern says:

      The picture isn’t of me. You can tell, because she isn’t clinging to the frame as IKEA employees try to pry her from the bed. Also, I have curly hair. But mostly the clinging thing.

  5. ekgo says:

    OMG! HERE IT IS! HERE IS THIS POST!!!!!
    And I’m crying! Both because you were momentarily triumphant and I am proud of you but also because I’m laughing with a kind of evil glee reserved for Salacious Crumb (you can Google that if you’d like) (no, really, do it!) (yeah, not what you thought, huh?)

    Also, I would like you to know that when I was little, my grandparents owned a shop called The Waterbed Showroom for about 5 years. We’d stay with them a lot for…I don’t know the reasons. When we were with them on full days, they’d tuck us into the showroom beds and let us sleep. We became bed models and a lot of people bought twin-sized waterbeds thank to our slumbering on the showroom ways.
    IKEA should probably take that into consideration. It’s a great marketing tool. And you and your forced IKEA friend could be the originating models!

    And your picture is missing. I mean the one in the post. It’s not there anymore.

    • H. Stern says:

      What?! I see it!! I see the picture. You don’t? I need to complain to someone… also just because I’m jewish and like to complain. That’s a stereotype, but also kinda true. Also, I may pimp my kid out, too. If I put pictures of him on this blog, do you think I would get more hits? I don’t pervy readers though. No, that’s a lie, I do… just not the WRONG kind of pervs… I’m not selling this idea well…

      • ekgo says:

        Wait, I see the picture now. It’s there. It’s all you being sleeping beauty in what looks like a hospital bed but I know it’s IKEA because I recognize the duvet.

        So…don’t “your people” call complaining “kvetching”? I really don’t know anything about Judaism, do I? MY people (White Trash) call it “bitching” or sometimes if you’re really good at words “bitching AND moaning”

        • H. Stern says:

          Yup, I’m a kvetcher. Also, that isn’t me; it’s some other chick who I WILL STILL FIND. But we went to Ikea this weekend in Brooklyn, and it was pretty awesome. People are all, “IT’S THE SAME EVERYWHERE!! IKEA IS THE SAME!” and then I have to yell at them to SHUT THE FUCK UP AND STOP RUINING IT. Yes, of course it’s the same. It gives me a sense of control in a world full of chaos. I love IKEA so much. I wish they would hire me so I could just run around the store and be like, “OMG! THIS PLACE IS FUCKING GREAT!” I’d be like a cheerleader, eating their horse-meatballs.

          • ekgo says:

            Do you know what I found at the IKEA in Scotland? (I don’t know which one; I assume Scotland has more than one IKEA because it’s – Scotland – so close to ScandinaviaLand and they make IKEA) I found a pasta grabber…you know, that thing that looks like a back scratcher? I found one of those IN THE SHAPE OF THE LOCH NESS MONSTER! I am 100% serious. I bought it and took it home with me and it hangs in my kitchen looking awesome.
            Because I, also, too, freaking LOVE IKEA!! I will be right beside you eating their horsey meatballs. Horse is delicious, apparently.

            • H. Stern says:

              That is the coolest shit I have read all night. Aside from your blog.

              I want a past grabber shaped like Nessie!!!

              • ekgo says:

                Who WOULDN’T??? I mean, it is to DIE for! I love it so much. Gabe used to run it through the dishwasher and when I found out, I beat him and now he has to hand wash it because this thing needs to be passed down through the generations! It’s a treasure!

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