Sunny Days in DC

Jack of All Trades, Master of 3-ish.

…in which I fall in love with Wil Wheaton, and my vagina turns into the Sahara.

on December 17, 2012

Two things of note happened to me this week:

1) I discovered Wil Wheaton’s tumblr page. I won’t say he’s “king” of the nerds, but he’s probably a pretty-high-up-there Duke. Or Baron. Which one is higher? He’s THAT.

ww

 

2) In MORE exciting My-Body-Just-Loves-Having-Babies news, I found out that you go into a state of quasi-Menopause when you breast feed. Did you know that? Uh huh, guess how I figured that one out….

Hubs: “Hey honey…. I love you….”

Me: “Babe, I’m ummm… I’m uhhh…. I seem to be having some trouble…”

And then a tumbleweed fell out of my vagina, and we heard the distinct sounds of a camel train. We went to the OB for my appointment on Friday.

“Oh yeah,” my doctor says, like I’ve brought up the fact that your hair continues to grow after you cut it, “Totally normal.”

Uhhh, agree to disagree on that. Things should be HAPPENING when my hubby and I get down to business. Things that are NOT happening, and I would like SOMEONE TO FIX IT! Or at least have had the decency to WARN me about this! How did I not know this would happen?! This is serious bologna right here.

“You can use an estrogen cream, or maybe some KY…” I know he kept talking, but honestly, it was hard to hear him over the nomadic tribes that had set up camp on my labia.

So to summarize: men have sex. Women then swell, bloat, get nauseous, possibly throw up, get exhausted, continue to bloat, get kicked in various internal organs by a tiny human who then BURSTS THE FUCK FREE FROM YOUR BODY LIKE A DELETED SCENE OUT OF ALIEN, THEN you have to feed it from your boobs (assuming that works out for you, and a nod to the ladies out there who have a tough time, or who never get the chance), which-btw-hurts like a mofo, then you recover from childbirth as best you can on 30 minutes of sleep at a time, THEN – the kid starts teething, and there’s THAT whole mess to deal with…

And on top of it all, it becomes near fucking impossible to have an orgasm, because your body thinks you’re 60.

HOW have we continued on as a species? I feel like, two generations in, our ancestors must have thought to themselves, “You know, this is just a whole lotta work. Ugg, you go invent the condom. Lugg, get started on the pill. This shit is bananas.”

And we would have died out.

And no civilization.

And then there never would have been Wil Wheaton.

…nicely played, Universe. Nicely played.

 

Advertisements

9 responses to “…in which I fall in love with Wil Wheaton, and my vagina turns into the Sahara.

  1. Probably should not have read this when eating my lunch…but at least I learned something. Good work.

    • H. Stern says:

      I’m not sure if you learned that my labia are dry enough to actively dehydrate fruit, or if you learned where to find Wil Wheaton’s tumblr page. But hell: THE MORE YOU KNOOOOOOWWWWWW!!! 🙂

      Thanks for reading!

      • …all the above! Prior to yesterday I knew nothing of Will Wheaton or of the levels of moisture in your vagina. I like to learn so much appreciated.

        I hope your…erm…’drought’ ends soon.

  2. H. Stern says:

    Awww… thank you!!

  3. Miriam E. says:

    absolutely hilarious! awesome write.

  4. chris9911 says:

    OMG, I’m getting my own t-shirt made, too!! that is just too cool

  5. ekgo says:

    1) I really hope Wil Wheaton has googled his name recently and this came up because that title would alarm any man and that would be hilarious.

    2) You are freakishly hard on your body. I mean, I’m sure it’s sitting there going, “Bitch! Please! Do you know what I just did? THIS: ‘swell, bloat, get nauseous, possibly throw up, get exhausted, continue to bloat, get kicked in various internal organs by a tiny human who then BURSTS THE FUCK FREE FROM YOUR BODY LIKE A DELETED SCENE OUT OF ALIEN, THEN you have to feed it from your boobs (assuming that works out for you, and a nod to the ladies out there who have a tough time, or who never get the chance), which-btw-hurts like a mofo, then you recover from childbirth as best you can on 30 minutes of sleep at a time, THEN – the kid starts teething’ and NOW you think I should be all lovey-dovey, moist and ready? Screw off. I don’t need this sh1t.” Where’s the love, dude? No, not THAT love. I already know where that love is. It’s packed away with the rest of the normal life stuff that you’ll be allowed to have in again in, oh, 18 years. If you’re lucky. No, I mean the love that makes the body feel at ease and peace and all yoga-like or something (don’t bodies become happy after yoga? Because the ads make it seem so)

    • H. Stern says:

      I just wanna have sex, dude. Sex like a NORMAL person. And SHIT! Someone could have WARNED me about this!!!

      Seriously, this would be some great sex ed in high schools to get kids focused on birth control: “And then, ladies, you go into a state of quasi menopause, and your vaginas may dry up, and your partners may want to have sex, and you may feel the need to strangle them in their sleep each and every single time they suggest it. Who wants to have unprotected sex NOW? Thought not.”

      Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaand Hannah solves underage pregnancy.

      You’re welcome, world.

People who leave comments on blogs have been statistically shown to live longer, happier lives.

Please log in using one of these methods to post your comment:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

Humans Are Weird

colourful observations

rarasaur

frightfully wondrous things happen here.

1pointperspective

NOT just another WordPress.com site

The Bumble Files

The truth is in here

lauren.nicolette.colie.

writer.editor.researcher.

Cinema Parrot Disco

Musings on Mainly Movies from a Table 9 Mutant

Skinny Jeans & Cupcakes

Fashionably Fit While Ballin' on a Budget

The Dirty Dame

Penny for your dirty thoughts?

Vanessa-Jane Chapman

Blog of a 40 something year old mother of two. She writes, she acts, she bakes, she works in education.

Fiction Favorites

with John W. Howell

006.7 EKGO

a blogful of stories

mlewisredford

almost indefatigable and quietly militant naïveté ...

Bain Waves

The world is hurting; laugh more.

The Juggle Struggle

Trying hard not to drop the balls or smash the plates.

Sweet Mother

Where my Old writing lives!

Free Range Cow

The adventures and roamings of a silly cow

bakingnotwriting

A site by a writer who is baking...or a baker who isn't writing

Pucker Up Buttercup

Wisdom & Nonsense From Your Basic Suburbanite Baroness

I Won't Take It

Life After an Emotionally Abusive Relationship

%d bloggers like this: