Sunny Days in DC

Jack of All Trades, Master of 3-ish.

Santa’s not an antisemite… probably…

on December 5, 2012

When I was little, I was raised in an entirely Jewish neighborhood. So much so, that I spent several weeks as a small child looking for the large stone houses with other letters on top of them, before my mom explained to me that, no, the people with the lower case letter “t” on their buildings were called “Christians,” and that was a “cross.”

It was all very confusing.

Anyway, as a part of this education, it was explained to me that Christian kids got gifts on Christmas, because an obese geriatric man would enter their homes, and LEAVE gifts. In Brooklyn, we had gates and alarms to prevent people from breaking in, but they weren’t generally there to leave things for you.

I was excited! TOYS!!! I would be getting TOYS!! HELLS YEAH!!!!!!

In retrospect, I think my mother’s second mistake was explaining this entire situation to me in a public place. Her first might have been actually taking me to a public place. Because now she had to explain to me that *I* didn’t get toys, no Jewish kid did. Santa only brought toys to Christian children. 

From all accounts, I flew into a five year old fury, and started shouting that Santa was an anti-Semite. In the middle of Toys R Us. Because that how we rolled back in the 80’s. 

Yeah, thug life. 

My mom had to think fast and quiet down her child who was now calling attention to the fact that: A) Why does your 5 year old know words like “anti-Semite”? and 

B) Most people were big fans of Santa, and you just can’t make a scene like that in Toys R Us, or…. I don’t know… his elves get mad? I’m not sure. I’m pretty sure nothing good can come from a scene like that, though. 

To my mom’s everlasting credit, she thought fast and explained that, no, Santa was unionized with Rabbi Eleazar, and they just split up the gift-giving. Santa handled Christian kids, and R. Eleazar managed all the good little yiddishe kinder. I imagine this appeased me, because for the next five years, Rabbi Eleazar brought presents for me each night of hannukkah.

And now, as a new mom, I’m faced with this same challenge. Eventually, Max will ask why all his little Christian friends will be getting toys, and why Santa doesn’t visit our house. I’m sorely tempted to let out a muffled “Jew-hater” under my breath at the mall every time a Santa passes by, but I’m pretty sure that when you’re the only one who gets a joke, it’s not quite as funny.

Also, I’d prefer not to get smacked down by angry fat men in sweaty red suits. Gross.

7 responses to “Santa’s not an antisemite… probably…

  1. John says:

    I read your post aloud to my wife, we think you have a darn good outlook on things, considering your About page statement. Be well, and thank you for following my website too! 🙂

  2. ekgo says:

    Not just Christian children get things from Santa. Little heathen children whose mothers are witches do, too. Also most of my Jewish friends of childhood did, too, because one parent was not-Jewish and so they just mixed all the holidays together and those kids got the most crap all month long so we had to beat them up. Because that’s just logical.

    • H. Stern says:

      A) Your mom sounds awesome.
      B)”…and those kids got the most crap all month long so we had to beat them up…” Natch! I’d have done the same. THAT’S WHAT YOU GET FOR BEING INDECISIVE AND NOT COMMITTING TO A DEITY, AND GETTING TOO MANY PRESENTS!!

      • ekgo says:

        Pretty much, those parents were just terrible people, obviously and it’s their fault we bullied their precious, little, “look at all my holiday loot” kids.

        My mom is evil. She wouldn’t let us play Sucker Upper because she was a hateful parent. She’s still hateful but there are no kids left in her house so she has to be hateful to the chickens.

        • H. Stern says:

          Does she let the chicken play Sucker Upper?

          • ekgo says:

            No. NO ONE was allowed to play Sucker Upper. Especially not her precious little chickens. Which, I guess, sort of makes sense because they’re very nervous little things and scare easily and probably would have had heart attacks and then there would be no eggs, just stringy dead chickens that would be made into yucky soup.
            However, she did let my niece make hats and scarves for the chickens one winter. They even had to wear them (until they pecked them off each other). It was awesome.

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