I was in the middle of writing a really nice post about my vagina, but you’re all going to have to wait on that, because OMFG!!!!!!!!
I went onto FaceBook, because I can’t do that at work, so I’m a little obsessed when I get home. So, here’s me, la dee dah, all checking out my feed and shit, when I see this girl I went to college with.
Oh. Hello person who used to obsess over older, married men. Well, I’m glad you’re married and happy now… and oh look! You just had a baby! *Genuine happiness for you, even though you feel the need to post to my feed EVERY TIME YOUR BABY POOPS OR SNEEZES!* Hey man, congrats! I know the first few months are SUPER tough but I’m here for you. We can talk about the time I ran away in a restaurant and cried in the bathroom, or…
FB UPDATE:”I am SO in love with my baby! She’s just the BEST!”…
Fuck. Just…. just FUCK. Look, I get that each person experiences parenthood, and life in general, from their own perspective. And maybe your baby is sleeping through the night already (doubtful), or maybe she just loves to laugh (still too young)… but we need to have a fucking conversation. And by “conversation,” I mean I’m going to tell you what to do, and you’re going to do it, or I will reach through my computer and slap the silly shit out of you.
Let’s get started, shall we?
1. Seriously. Stop putting your daughter in every.thing.pink. I get it. There’s a lot of societal pressure to “girlie” girl shit up. Pink and purple EVERYWHERE. But your three week old CAN wear something other than a pink tutu, and those pink garter/cancer-patient headbands they put on girl babies without hair. Stop it. Just… stop it. Put her in a fucking onesie.
2. Stop pretending your life is full of unicorns farting rainbows. Do you know what my FB status updates looked like when I had Max? 9 out of 10 were along the lines of “FUUUUUUUUUUUUUCK…. SLEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEP…” with an occassional, “Oh wow! He just learned how to roll over! That’s kinda cool…” thrown in.
3. Why is your profile photo of you during your C-Section? I…. I can’t. WHO IS TAKING A PHOTO OF YOU WHILE YOU’RE STRAPPED DOWN, AND BEING SLICED & DICED?! Guess what? I had a C, too. I STILL don’t want to see that. Did you have a photographer in there? You will never know how many precious minutes I spent pondering WHO FUCKING TAKES PHOTOS DURING MAJOR ABDOMINAL SURGERY?!?!?!
Is that a “thing”? Now I feel badly that I didn’t have an album put together for that time I had my appendix out. #MissedOpportunities #NextYearsChristmasCards
4. You have a fluffy white cat? Of COURSE you do…
5. Stop taking pictures of your baby on/near/staring at/drooling on your fluffy white cat. While you’re at it… why is that cat always on a fluffy white pillow?
…is that cat even REAL?
….OMG….. ARE YOU POSING YOUR CHILD ON A STUFFED WHITE CAT?
…..fuck it. I need a drink.
Sunny Days in DC 
Stll laughing. Thanks – John
Glad you enjoyed! I literally cannot look at my feed again tonight, or I will say something about that picture of her DURING SURGERY!!! I can’t…. omg. I need to step away from the computer now….
Wanna know what I call those babies with the big ass bows larger than their entire body? mailbox babies. I call them mailbox babies because they remind me of those overly decorated mailboxes that look like a rainbow-pooping unicorn and swarm of tiny pink pixies exploded all over it. Poor mailman. I wouldn’t want to stick my hand all up in that.
Now I’m picturing a mailman trying to stick his hand up a baby’s tutu.
Seriously, Rainey. SERIOUSLY. I mean, I get it, she’s a little princess…. she’s going to be a TERROR if this woman doesn’t calm her shit over having spawned a female child.
You don’t see me decorating my house with giant blue penis statues, do you? I mean, sure, that ONE time…..
Everyone is allowed that ONE time, but after that, it tends to be obnoxious, right? What really gets me is when the mailbox mom tries to “match” her little darling….if you think it looks bad on the baby, wait til you put your eyes on all THAT in adult size…hold on, I think I have to go vomit a little…
Okay, that’s better. You could just unfriend her, but if you are anything like me, it’s like a TRAIN WRECK…you just can’t look away…that’s REAL entertainment!
If she starts wearing matching outfits, I may have to invest in some Jack Daniels.
I’m so happy I’m not the only person who thinks this when the FB news feed is only baby pictures and “this is the best” comments. I don’t have kids and not planning on it *fingers always crossed*
Remember the good old days when the only time you got baby pictures shoved in your face was when you met for lunch or at work when they pulled out the wallet size.
I mean, I post pictures… but I also try to make funny captions. I have one picture of Max where he has his hand on his head, and the caption is something like, “Oh man… what was in that MILK last night? WHOSE SWADDLE IS THIS?!” Because guess what? That shit is funny, even if you DON’T have kids. You can’t take it all so seriously. It can’t all be fluffy white cats and infant tutus!
You don’t know how lucky you are. Here in small town north of England can you imagine what it is like when we not only get all the same baby is princess, oh my beautiful little man shit but the crazy people name them after your film stars and iconic selling points. I heard a woman in a shop telling River Phoenix to behave and put the the spuds back! However there is some good news that redeems facebook slightly, below is a status I copied and used on an image about social media recently which illustrates my point. You may need to censor it!
“what sort of cunt sends me an email saying ”your child is an ugly git and has the stupidest name ever! those two names realllllyyy dont go together” keep your opinions to yourself! BROOKLYNS BEAUTIFUL!!!!!!!!”
Now that is justice in action!
Ok, I’m NEVER a fan of telling someone they have an ugly baby… and I’ve seen some CORKERS. But…. yeah, you kind of have it coming when you name your child something stupid. Ok, genetics are what they are, but if you name your child “Pan-Galactic Gargle Blaster McShelty”, or whatever, then you’re an idiot, and you’re now burdened your INNOCENT child with your idiocy. What’s more, the only reason your child isn’t leaving you, is because s/he can’t walk yet.
Good luck, Panni!
Also, as someone who is actually FROM Brooklyn, I REALLY wish people would stop doing this. Do I name my child “Philadelphia”? Or “New Mexico”? No. Because that’s FUCKING STUPID.
I’m sending your son to your house so he can get used to hearing the word FUCK. And “unicorns farting rainbows”.
I’m quitting my job to start up competition for FB called Fuckbook. Who wants to invest? Friends and contacts will be called “Fucks”. When you invite someone to be a Fuck, you have to pull something from a brown bag to give to them. Farmville will be replaced by Penisville. Good look being someone’s neighbor there.
I just said fuck more times in this reply than I have my entire married life.
Oops. “Your” son implies that we have had a child together, which is only my fantasy, not reality. I am sending MY son to your house. Duct tape him to your wall, please. It might take several rolls.
I cannot stop laughing…I want to invest!!
Thanks for reading!!
If you sent your son over, I would most likely just make him do dishes until he cried, and promised to be good.
…we have a lot of dishes…
I’ll bring him along on my next stalk. He likes ice cream.
Cathartic, isn’t it? It’s ok. I won’t tell. I don’t walk around yelling “FUCK!!!” at everything in real life, either. That’s what blogs are for, man.
Yeah. Cathartic. I fell asleep for 24 hours after leaving that comment. And I have a story about the “that’s what blogs are for” comment because, well, um, maybe not. I ended up in marital counseling about what I wrote in my blog. Messed up, eh?
That seems…. that’s like someone being mad at you for what you write in your diary. WTF?
WTF is correct in so many ways. The counselor said pretty much what you said without the WTF, although it would have been really funny if he did. Oh, and imagine what it is like being stuck in a room with a guy leaning in your face who has rotten tooth bad breath. Really made me want to be there.
That sounds… obnoxious. I’m glad your marriage worked out though…. unless this is a different wife?
My wife has always been different.
+1,000 points!
And a Baptist missionary. She rocks that position.
I’ve said it before and I will say it again — Facebook is the anti-Christ. It just blows me away what people will post on there. Great post. My favorite line is about the cancer survivor baby headband! I have always felt that way about those but didn’t realize it until you said it!!!!!! Thanks!
Yeah, those headbands completely creep me out, and I don’t understand the appeal. THERE’S NO HAIR. I always told my husband that if (G-D forbid) I get cancer, and I have to wear a wig, I’m finding something GIANT. Possibly Pink, or Lady Gaga-esque. Maybe that’s what I’ll do… if I have a girl, I’ll put weeeeeeeeeeeeeee little wigs on her.
And false eyelashes. And tiny, stuffed bras… because if you’re gonna do this bullshit, then balls to the wall, that’s what I say!!
Babies are supposed to be bald. And toddlers should be make up free. In a perfect world!
…………….then, who would I laugh at?
Men who engage in beard growing contests?
LAWLZ!
Oh my. Laughing all while lying with zebras?
Exactly. You speak my language.
God dammit I love you so much platonically. Every single time you kill me! I always picture you on the phone, having a one-sided conversation with a bottle of wine in your hand. Hannah gone Bananas.
D’awwwwwwwwww…. I love you too, in a hetero-non-sexual way. Also, because all I can see in your profile pic is, like, half your head. And I think you have some sort of piercing situation going on, or else I need to clean my screen. I’m not sure. Also, did you know “Bad Boys” is on tv? Did you know it came out in 1995??? That’s ALMOST 20 YEARS AGO. Now I feel old….
Well I’ve got news for all your readers. Baby obsession lies dormant for a few decades and then rears it’s beribboned head, when the mothers become grandmothers. I know a few new grandmas and all they can talk about is their bloody grand kids. Get a life! I even know one, who has an (ugly) photo of hers as her Fbk profile pic!! I have kids and I thought baby obsession was F*ing boring when they were babies. BTW love unicorns farting rainbows 🙂
First of all, we ALL love unicorns farting rainbows. Secondly, kids and grandkids are great. They’re SUPER. But at some point even I, who hath birthed a wee one from my very loins, is like, “Word? K, can we discuss something else, now??”
And by the time I have grandkids, FB will probably have a live feed INTO MY BRAIN.
On the bright side, I can stream my thoughts LIVE across the interwebs! LIVE HANNAH FEED!!
We call them “head squeezers”. It’s no wonder some children eventually turn on their parents.
“head squeezers” sounds about right. I can’t even imagine what was running through the head of the first person who looked at a baby and thought, “You know what this kid needs? A fucking useless garter on her fucking head. Do boys need this? Naw… they’re cool. But lemme go ahead and snap this shit on to make it even MORE obvious that she doesn’t have hair. Yeah…. that looks good….”
I love you. You should know that. Just, so much love. Also. My husband is a video dude in a hospital. He’s totally scrubbed into surgeries to document them. For doctor purposes, but still. If I have to have a c-section one day, perhaps I can get one of his co-workers to tape it! Only… yeah you’re right. That’s disgusting. Also, I don’t like cats. Fluffy white ones even less. You should find out where she lives and shave her cat. Pull a Mr. Biggelsworth on her. The universe would smile on you.
I love you, too… but not in that weird “I want to collect pieces of hair from your hairbrush while you’re not looking” way. Just, you know, clearing the air on that one. Point number 2: If I have to write a post like this about you and YOUR C-Section photos, I will kill myself a lot. Don’t do it. Just say no. And Point 3: I want you to understand the strength it takes for me to hold myself back from making a “shaved pussy” joke. Why? Because even *I* have standards.
…I know. I’m shocked, too.
I have a “friend” on FB who is constantly having conversations on FB with her husband, who doesn’t even have a FB account so it looks like she is having a conversation with herself: “Hi schmoopy moopy I miss you so much” then the response to herself “Awww, thanks moonpie, I love you too XOXOXOX”. They really call each other that. I finally had to call her and ask her why the FUCK she doesn’t just talk to her husband in person or at the very least by text. Multiple personality disorder like FB conversations are not acceptable. She hasn’t spoken to me again. I wonder why?
Ok, I’m gonna need you to take screen shots of that shit, because that is the most amazing thing I have heard all day. I need you to understand that I first read this comment on my phone while I was walking the halls at work looking for a conference room. I was all, “WTF?!” And then I came home and read it on my computer, and it’s even better on “the big screen.”
Pix, or it didn’t happen.
Jk. I believe you.
….still. Send me pix.
HA! I just found one where she is having a fight with herself about peanutbutter. I figured out how to capture the section but I don’t know how to block out the names. Suggestions?
Google it. Then post it. It could end war in the middle east.
#MissedOpportunities
LOL. That’s great 🙂
Careful…. you could be headlining my Christmas list next year.
Seriously, don’t be so harsh on her. After all, she IS the only person to have a female baby in the past 1000 years!
I lol’d so hard at this, that I doubled over in my living room. Thank you.
So funny! And now I have a great visual to start my day. Unicorns farting rainbows!
I live to serve, oh Mighty Punky One.
I fucking love this post. You’re my hero. I’m not following any blogs on WordPress but I’m going to follow you.
I find you terrifying and wonderful… like the knife-wielding fairies that haunt my dreams.
…never leave me.
I just laughed super fucking hard at this! I was just talking to a friend about how super annoying it is to see shit like that on Facebook. I don’t want to see a picture of a slimy, messy, fresh from a vagina/abdomen baby. Love this post!!
When I was in the hospital (and high on morphine) I would make visitors pick Max up. “Hold him close,” I would say, as if warning them from dropping him. Then, just as he was all up in their grill, I’d be like, “smell that? That’s probably what my uterus smells like. You’re smelling my internal organs.”
…and that’s how I come up with the name for my blog posts, because now I TOTALLY have to come up with a post where the title is “Smelling My Internal Organs.”
If someone else uses that, you now officially have to reference me!!
I can’t wait to read your post with that title! If I ever hear or see it from anyone else, I’ll make sure to let you know!
I have it in my “DRAFTS” folder. Good times.
I just snorked my yuppy latte through my nose. LOL!
That visual will keep me going all night!
and thats suppose to be your friend? lol. I don’t do facebook so I can’t tell a difference between a facebook friend and old fashioned styled friend.lol
Eh. She’s someone I know, and I really don’t have any problems with her. Facebook should have a category called “Acquaintances.” That would be more appropriate for 99% of the folks I have on my page.
I’ve stopped reading all your comments because suddenly, they became ridiculous! 60? I can’t read 60 comments! What do you think my eyes are made of?
On the bad side, though, that means there’s a good chance that I’ll say something that was already said and will just look like a moron because I’m parroting someone else. So let me just tell you that it’s not intentional. My moronic parroting, I mean.
So, yeah, I also wanted to say mean things to this person because I know a couple of them, too, only they have small dogs instead of white cats but then I realized maybe I can’t be too harsh since I would take pictures of my abdominal surgery. Hell, I took pictures during my ablation (and totally missed the opportunity to start a fetish site because I took the wrong kind of pictures) so…yeah, I’d go there.
Oh, and you’ll also get a crazy email today. It’s from me. Not the viagra one. Or the drive men wild one. It’s the one about Facebook. That’s me. Fair warning.
I DIDN’T SEE THE EMAIL! But I’ll look again!
Also: I JUST READ YOUR UTERUS POST AND THEN IT WAS IN THIS COMMENT! HUZZAH!!!
Also also, she is still posting these pictures. It’s cool; post pictures of your kid, but like…. no. I dont know. She’s STILL in a tutu. Is that normal? Maybe it’s better I had a boy. I’d put my son in a tutu, if they had one made of camo… because that’s hilarious. But I feel like you just feed the stereotype-beast of girls-only-wear-pink when you start them THAT young.
Maybe I over-think it?
I just hate the color pink. I always have. It made me so angry when I was little and people bought me pink crap but the bigger problem was that we were ridiculously poor so I HAD to wear the pink crap because there were no other clothes. And that is why I learned to stain my clothing well at an early age. There are a lot of things that will cover up pink. Spaghetti sauce was my favorite.
I think you could probably make a camo tutu out of tuille (isn’t that what that awful stuff is called?) and duct tape.
MORE offensive was a teething kit I saw at the airport store: fake tools for boys, and a little “glamor kit” for girls. Go fuck yourself, Mattel. Girls don’t need to be taught to be consumers for the sake of making themselves attractive, and boys don’t need to be taught that the way to prove your worth is via a hammer or screwdriver. My dad is a handyman. I fix toilets. I’m no less a woman for that, and my husband is no less a man for not being UBER handy. Ugh. I find it all really offensive.
And pink? Pink is where that shit starts.