I love my husband. I love him so much, that I would consider losing a very valuable part of my body. Like, my right hand, or possibly a labia majora (mine are super pretty, so really, it would be a loss to the WORLD). But there are still days where I look at his face and think, “if there was some kind of a button that made me gay, I would be pressing it SUPER FUCKING HARD RIGHT NOW.”
My friend* and I have discussed this at length. It’s how we know that homosexuality is not a choice: because at LEAST 15 days out of the month, we text each other: “PRESSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS!!!” And yet, I still do not enjoy the idea of making sweet, sweet, lurve to another woman. Nothing wrong with it, but much like Rocky Road Ice Cream, it’s just not for me.
But you know what? Seriously, I think that if you don’t lie there in the dark, silently questioning whether an asexual hetero lifemate is for you, then you’re not doing marriage right. My husband drives me insane sometimes. He won’t let me even TRY to duct tape Max to the wall (WTF? WHY DO WE EVEN *HAVE* KIDS, IF NOT FOR THIS SORT OF DOWN-HOME ENTERTAINMENT?!). Whatever. It’s not like I would duct tape his SKIN. That’s cruel. I’d totally put it OVER his onesie, because I’m a caring mother.
And this one time, he coughed on my back IN BED without covering his mouth (dude, I know, it was totally gross).
So, if you’re married, not only should you be SURE that homosexuality isn’t a choice, but you should also encourage gay marriage… because fuck this noise, gays should have to deal with this bullshit too.
…maybe it would turn them straight?
OMFG. I JUST SOLVED THE “GAY PROBLEM” FOR FUNDAMENTALIST CHRISTIANS! Holy shit you guys. I’m on a roll tonight!
*A girl. Not gay. Also in a relationship with a man. Just setting the scene here, kids.