Sunny Days in DC

Jack of All Trades, Master of 3-ish.

If You Haven’t Considered Going Gay, You’re Not Doing Marriage Right

on January 16, 2013

I love my husband. I love him so much, that I would consider losing a very valuable part of my body. Like, my right hand, or possibly a labia majora (mine are super pretty, so really, it would be a loss to the WORLD). But there are still days where I look at his face and think, “if there was some kind of a button that made me gay, I would be pressing it SUPER FUCKING HARD RIGHT NOW.”

My friend* and I have discussed this at length. It’s how we know that homosexuality is not a choice: because at LEAST 15 days out of the month, we text each other: “PRESSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS!!!” And yet, I still do not enjoy the idea of making sweet, sweet, lurve to another woman. Nothing wrong with it, but much like Rocky Road Ice Cream, it’s just not for me.

But you know what? Seriously, I think that if you don’t lie there in the dark, silently questioning whether an asexual hetero lifemate is for you, then you’re not doing marriage right. My husband drives me insane sometimes. He won’t let me even TRY to duct tape Max to the wall (WTF? WHY DO WE EVEN *HAVE* KIDS, IF NOT FOR THIS SORT OF DOWN-HOME ENTERTAINMENT?!). Whatever. It’s not like I would duct tape his SKIN. That’s cruel. I’d totally put it OVER his onesie, because I’m a caring mother.

And this one time, he coughed on my back IN BED without covering his mouth (dude, I know, it was totally gross).

So, if you’re married, not only should you be SURE that homosexuality isn’t a choice, but you should also encourage gay marriage… because fuck this noise, gays should have to deal with this bullshit too.

…maybe it would turn them straight?

OMFG. I JUST SOLVED THE “GAY PROBLEM” FOR FUNDAMENTALIST CHRISTIANS! Holy shit you guys. I’m on a roll tonight!

*A girl. Not gay. Also in a relationship with a man. Just setting the scene here, kids.


50 responses to “If You Haven’t Considered Going Gay, You’re Not Doing Marriage Right

  1. wabbit says:

    This. So much this. (Came here via the Bloggess’ post on angry vagina cake, btw. Couldn’t resist clicking on this title. Because yeah. Reasons.)

    • H. Stern says:

      I want to make sweet, sweet love to that comment… and then possibly leave some cash on the nightstand in the morning. I’ll say I’ll call… but we both know that’s a lie.

  2. Tali says:

    I, too, came here courtesy of the Bloggess. And my same-sex platonic soulmate and I have had that same discussion SO MANY TIMES! If we were gay, we’d move in together and raise our collective 4 boys and to hell with the men. But then we realize that my husband watches my boys so she and I can go out and he’s actually pretty great (most of the time) and changes all the diapers on the weekends (I have 2 in diapers) so I decide to stick it out. At least until the boys are potty trained. Then all bets are off.

    • H. Stern says:

      And also, maybe, penis? I only have one in diapers, and the hubs is great with him! But then he insists on things like, having opinions about furniture, and I have to yell at him and explain that he doesn’t understand my vision. So my friend calms me down, and eventually my husband takes me to IKEA, where I can eat meatballs and pretend I’m a tall Swedish lass named Svetlana.

      …there really was no point to that response. I’m sorry.

  3. […] If you haven’t considered gay marriage you’re not doing it right (trust me, you’ll like) […]

  4. punkycoletta says:

    Too funny! I am kind of curious to see the duct tape and onesie thing.

    • H. Stern says:

      Dude. I know. Plus, Max is a lot like me, so I TOTALLY think he would dig it. At LEAST for 5-10 minutes. After that, you know…. CPS might come knocking, soooo…..

  5. Teeny Bikini says:

    Oh, my friggin’ kitten on crack that was friggin’ laugh out loud amazeballs! I heart you. Just sayin’. I am not gay, though I wish I were. I just think I would be more interesting or something…

  6. Ki Vault says:

    Been married for 40 years during which time I have considered many things some legal some not but never considered going gay,Can’t answer for my wife I will go and ask, I might be back with an answer, then again I might not……

  7. […] If You Haven’t Considered Going Gay, You’re Not Doing Marriage Right by H. Stern. […]

  8. Found you through Teeny Bikini/Jiggly Bits. She’s right. You are hilarious! I’m in. :)

  9. Enterfreakingtaining and I hate you. Just sayin’.

    Excuse me. I have to fart so I had best go find my wife or daughter to share it with.

  10. Blame Teeny for sending me here, BTW.

  11. I found you courtesy of Teeny Bikini – I had a great laugh! Love your line about the fundamentalists :)

  12. Yay for Teeny Bikini for telling us about your blog. Hilarious!!!

  13. Lisa (Skinnypowell1) says:

    Referred by Teeny Bikini/JIggly Bits – loved your blog ROFL

  14. Teeny Bikini sent me and it was well worth the walk from the Texas coast to here.

  15. theh2obaby says:

    One more laughing reader courtesy of Teeny Bikini ~ #DoingStraightMarriageRight ~ Yeah, couldn’t go past 2nd base if I tried. Which begs the question, how do lesbians know they’ve Gone All the Way?

  16. Found you through Teeny Bikini (looks like a trend there) clicking this link was the best decision of my day! Completely in love with this post!

    • H. Stern says:

      You had a shitty day. But also, thank you!!!! I guess I owe her a fruit basket or something. Like those fruits that are shaped like flowers… except shaped like vagina. Because that seems strangely appropriate.

  17. Ann Sowards says:

    I have been married for 45years. To the same man. This experience has led me to write a blog about ..mylifewithwieners….it is a form of revenge. Actually, housing 6 wiener dogs is a form of revenge. Drives him nuts. It’s a zen thing, I keep telling him. You earned this, furthermore, doing really bad ass shit in a former life. I don’t know what I did, but it must have been worse. Anyway, I got sick of trying to figure my mate out a while back, so I decided to try to figure out dogs. Much to my pleasant surprise, I found them a lot more complicated and grateful for the attention. I started breeding them to share the love. Every woman should have a wiener dog.

    • H. Stern says:

      I love dogs. I miss having dogs. They make a LOT more sense than men, sometimes. Plus, they eat all the food you drop on the floor! No matter how hard I try, I can’t get my husband to do that!

  18. […] If You Haven’t Considered Going Gay, You’re Not Doing Marriage Right. […]

  19. a) this was hilarious. b) as a gay girl, sometimes when we fight and we have to talk and talk and talk because we are after all, ‘two vag-es that go bump in the night’ so talking is a great majority of what we do…and after some of these long and exhausting talks i think to myself, ‘you know, i used to be with men and they never say a feckin’ thing…’ or barely by comparison. so, the grass is sh*t brown on both sides of the fence, so to speak. but, then again, it’s also lovely and i wouldn’t give up my wifesy for anything either. so, again, you’re so right… there is no choice only my super smart, super hot wifesy… awesome post. xoxo, sm

    • H. Stern says:

      a) Thank you. b) we encourage super hot wifesies, husbands, and everything else here, so mazal tov! But yeah, I imagine that every relationship comes with points where people think, “I bet I wouldn’t have these problems if I had married that Wombat my mom liked when I was in college. I hear he’s a lawyer now…”

      What can I say? There’s no “easy” choice; single or partnered up, it’s all tough.

  20. LisaAR says:

    You’re a riot. Count me among the Teeny Bikini linkers…glad I chose to click!

  21. lolly0 says:

    Came here through SHenry, cuz when he says something is funny, well, then, I have to go check it out! Yup, put me on the love-fest list. *stalking*

  22. gav young says:

    Thanks for an afternoon smile!

  23. ekgo says:

    I kind of feel like I’m supposed to tell you why I’m here before I make a comment, based on the previous comments. So…um…I’m here because you liked one of my posts one day and commented on it and I have no idea how you found me in the first place but when I came to give you that, “Errrmmmm…and who are YOU” look, I found that you are like me (weird) and so I fell in love and that’s why I’m here. As a stalker.

    But anyway.

    My former PLDP (Platonic Lesbian Domestic Partner – platonic because there’s no making out stuff but lesbian because everyone just assumed we were since we’ve been terribly in love with ourselves and each other since about 6th grade. Also, I completely swipered the term. It’s not original) and I rue the day we forgot that we hated men. Our lives were so wonderful when we lived together; whichever person got home from work first started dinner. The other person picked up wine and snack on the way home to consume while waiting for dinner. Several nights a week, we sat in the front room with tea and other snacks and talked and talked. On the other nights, we did our own things – reading, writing, hanging out with other friends, whatever. It was paradise. But then boyfriends showed up and they turned into husbands and on those days of which you speak, we call each other and promise that after we kill said husbands, we’re moving back in together and we will NOT let boyfriends and husbands happen again EVER.

    • H. Stern says:

      OMG YES. I WANT THIS. I just sometimes want it with sex. And my BFF who lives in NY. Ugh. I want this so much. TOTALLY simple and easy.

      Also, I found you because I go to WordPress and then I’m all, “SHOW ME FUNNY SHIT, WORDPRESS!” and it came up with your blog. But thanks for stalking me back!! YAY!!!

      Now I want wine….

      • ekgo says:

        RIGHT? RIGHT? I tell ya, living with the BFF/PLDP is amazing. We solved the sex thing by having BOBs (battery-operated boyfriends) or finding nice guys who wanted to have sex at THEIR places (because they weren’t allowed to know where we lived) and would never have to talk to us otherwise. It was perfect. So very perfect. OMG, I miss those days so much.

        Huh. I didn’t know WordPress considered me funny! That’s a nice compliment!

        And now I want wine again, too.

        • H. Stern says:

          Ok, bee-tee-dubs, the old people condos/bee-hives in boca raton? they’re basically like college dorms for old Jews. Which is kinda cool, because ALL YOUR FRIENDS LIVE IN YOUR DORM!!! I was telling my husband how it would be awesome, because when I was done sexing his wrinkly self up, I could go down the hall and have tea with my friend. I don’t think my husband appreciated the genius of my plan. Nor my evil laugh that followed.

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